The Diet (Revised)
by Nigelcat1
Summary: This is a revised version of The Diet so that I can submit a chapter of the sequel, Damned If You Do. The "pieces" of the original will be deleted. Thanks for your patience.


THE DIET

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Petunia has had it with Vernon and plans to off him with Harry's help. Then Murphy's Law takes effect. Guests stars Marge, Voldie, Death Eaters, Scotland Yard, & the usual idiots.

Chapter 1 – The Last Straw

Petunia played the part of the shocked and grieving widow to perfection. Vernon was finally dead and she was free.

She was also very well off as Vernon was heavily insured and she would receive his pension for the rest of her life. The house was paid for and had always been in her name as it had been the money she inherited from her parents which had bought the house free and clear. Her father had always impressed on her not to completely rely on her husband to manage their money and to keep something of value in her name and her name only. He had made it a condition in the Will that the house be in her name only and that she would not make Vernon or anyone else a co-owner.

He had warned her of women being cheated and taken advantaged if an unscrupulous husband decided to divorce a naïve wife. Her parents didn't like Vernon and had been worried that she was only marrying him to beat Lily to the altar. They had been correct, but considering Petunia had very few prospects it had also been the deciding factor in her marrying Vernon.

Vernon made good money at his job but they spent it as fast as it came in. Then when they were cursed with taking care of her nephew more money had fallen into their laps. They could get money from the government for the boy and Petunia had managed to contact the old bastard and Vernon "negotiated" for them to receive a generous monthly allowance to raise the brat the way the nasty old wizard wanted him raised.

Vernon told Petunia they would be getting £500 per mouth. However, Petunia, being a cautious (and untrusting) person snooped through Vernon's private papers and his pockets, his car and the "secret filing cabinet" he kept in the garage. She found out that they were really getting £1,000 per month. Once the boy went to school Vernon had managed another negotiation and they not only continued to receive the £1,000 the months he was in school but "they" had been given a £200 raise.

She let him get away with thinking that she didn't know about that and the many other things he thought he was "getting away with" from her finding out as well as Grunnings and the Inland Revenue (the tax man).

Her marriage to Vernon was far from ideal, but at the time it had seemed her only way of escaping from her parents and the tyranny of her once beloved sister was to get married. Vernon had been her only prospect and if things got really bad she could always divorce him. But she had to get out and far away from the life which magic had destroyed.

After they had been saddled with Harry Potter, there was no way that Vernon would let her leave. As much as he hated the brat and magic, the money was too good to pass up. And, as an added bonus, the sadist in Vernon had found the perfect victim to vent his anger on. If Vernon hadn't had Harry, eventually it would have been Petunia who would have been the target and maybe even Dudley.

Vernon had managed to hide this part of his nature for years. It started showing when something didn't go his way through his own fault but it couldn't be Vernon's fault he didn't make that big sale or get that promotion or that he couldn't get into that posh club. No it had to be because of the Freak and his freakishness.

If Harry wasn't there it probably would have Petunia's fault the sale didn't go through because the client they had over for dinner didn't like the meal or the house wasn't clean enough or…the wife wasn't pretty enough to gain the client's attention. But Vernon had the Freak so it was the three year old child who was punished.

It was like that until the boy went off to Hogwarts and Dudley to Smeltings. With both boys off to school they were alone for the first time since Dudley's birth. It was then Petunia discovered that other than Dudley and the Freak, they had nothing in common.

Petunia had to do all the cooking when the Freak was away. Vernon demanded the same type of foods over and over again unless they were entertaining a client and Petunia (and/or the Freak) was expected to cook gourmet meals consisting of intricate recipes and it must turn out perfect.

Vernon always drank when he came home from work, whether it was whiskey, brandy, beer or straight gin martinis. Of course she was the one who had to purchase the drinks and she was getting a reputation for being a closet drinker as who bought six bottles of assorted alcohol every week?

Vernon had always been verbally abusive to Petunia when they were alone. He constantly belittled her for everything. Their sex life was a horror.

When Marge would visit them it was always a nightmare. She brought at least one of those smelly, vicious dogs with her and allowed the one called Ripper to do exactly that – rip up her lovely home, pee on the carpets, scratch the furniture and make almost as much mess as Marge did.

Granted Marge would pick on and abuse Harry, but she'd also get her little digs in to Petunia. Marge ate and drank constantly and expected to be waited on hand and foot by someone, whether it was the Freak or Petunia.

It was even worse when they visited Marge as the Freak wasn't allowed at her house and then Petunia had to do all the work during the "visit" as Marge didn't clean and was too cheap to hire someone to do it for her. So the entire time they were there Petunia had to give the place a thorough cleaning as well as catching up on doing Marge's laundry, ironing and cooking all the meals as Marge only did fry ups and didn't even do that well.

And then there was Dudley, her only child, the only child she had been allowed to have. When Vernon found out about that "Freakish, abominable hocus pocus" was real, once THE HEIR had been born and he was satisfied the boy was not a Freak, he told Petunia NO MORE KIDS. That was good because the pregnancy was dreadful due to Dudley's size and Petunia's body type and the doctor told her having another child could be deadly.

Dudley had been the only thing in her life that gave her the will to continue living. He was the only thing in this world she had to love. Unfortunately, he had been spoiled. She admitted she was at fault just as much as Vernon, but when they started getting that money for Harry, things got out of control.

She knew he was no angel. He was lazy, not too bright and a BULLY. Vernon had urged him to acquire a "gang" which Dudley would head to develop his leadership abilities. He rewarded him the more pain he gave the Freak and praised him for making the boy's life a misery. Other than eating, spending money and being cruel, hurting Harry Potter had been the only thing father and son could bond over.

But when Dudley had come home from Smeltings after his first year, Petunia could not ignore what her son was turning into. He was on his way to becoming a man worse than Vernon.

Petunia knew he had been the one to really terrorize the neighborhood and not Harry but she always made excuses for him as he was her baby and was all she had. As he grew he kept getting into more trouble, trouble which was beginning to be harder to hide. Vernon had to offer bigger bribes to get Dudley and his gang out of trouble. Soon there wouldn't be enough money to get Dudley free as he was doing more and more terrible things.

Dudley had been smoking pot and drinking for years. Looking at the signs Petunia knew he was doing more than just drinking beer as Vernon's booze had gone missing and Petunia had to buy more before he noticed and blamed her. Petunia had good reason to suspect Dudley was getting into harder drugs as there were signs if you knew what to look for and his friend Malcolm had been rushed to hospital last year and no one knew why. But Petunia did and she feared Dudley would be next.

There had been a number of break-ins around the neighborhood and they only happened when Dudley was on summer break. They blamed the Freak as usual, but he had been leaving earlier each year so that wouldn't work for long. It was only a matter of time that they would be caught.

Dudley gained more weight. His Smelting uniforms had to be tailor-made and between his weight, unruly behavior and failing grades, he was in very real danger of being kicked out of Smeltings.

Then it had happened. After the Christmas holidays during Dudley's fourth year, Smeltings had called with the news that Dudley was in hospital and his condition was not good. They rushed to his side and were informed that Dudley had suffered a minor heart attack.

"FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS DO NOT HAVE HEART ATTACKS" Vernon had insisted. But they did. The school put Dudley on a very strict diet. Even the Dursleys' personal physician, the school physician, and the hospital where he had been treated insisted that Dudley spend his summer at a "special camp" to get his weight under control and to solve his other problems.

Vernon forbade it as no one was going to turn his son into a rabbit food-eating pansy. "All he needs is a proper British diet and good English cooking instead of the slop you lot feed him. We'll build our boy up when he comes home and then next year I just might send him to another school."

Petunia had urged, no begged Vernon to reconsider but he would not be moved. Dudley cheated on his diet and since he always had money to spend, indulged in his bad habits to make up for him being "starved."

The only thing which saved him from returning home to be "built up properly" as Vernon said was that three weeks before term ended, Dudley overdosed on crack. He would be going straight from the hospital to a "special camp" or the government would be removing him from his parents' custody.

Vernon spent two weeks screaming, ranting, cursing and blaming everybody but himself and Dudley. He beat the hell out of Petunia and she had to go to a hospital – one out of town – to be treated. Vernon was going to make Potter's life more of a living hell than usual.

The only thing which saved Harry from being beaten to death his first day back was that due to his atrocious diet, living habits, temper and substance over-indulgence and the stress of dealing with Dudley's problems, Vernon also had a slight attack. It wasn't a bad one but he did have to go to hospital and stay there overnight. He was given a very stern warning, told to follow a specific diet, calm down, take the medication he was given, and be prepared to start an exercise program once he stabilized.

Of course no one told Vernon Dursley what to do and as Petunia drove him home he informed her of exactly that. And she agreed with him that he should ignore that diet as it was just those wimpy, sickly doctors who were jealous because Vernon, and not them, was a true fine figure of a man and they sought to bring him down to their pathetic, weak state instead of letting him continue to be the vibrant, robust real man that he was.

"Don't worry about a thing, dear," she told him, "I'll start building you up and feeding you properly just as I always have. I'll even look for some very special dishes for you to try out" she said. "I heard about a special regime that those American footballers have. You've always admired them and their health haven't you?"

Vernon thought about it and yes, those American chaps were big and very healthy looking in his opinion. That's what he needed to build himself up and not be broken down by eating rabbit food like those jealous nancy boy doctors wanted him to do.

But that wasn't Petunia's real plan. No she had something else in mind for Vernon and with Harry coming home he would be unknowingly helping her with that plan. She could always put the blame on him if anything went wrong.

She wasn't going get beat up again and, if she could help it, she wouldn't let Harry be Vernon's punching bag any longer. There had been times in the past when he had gone almost too far and she knew for a fact that if Harry had been a "normal" child and had not had his magic to save him, he would have died.

She would also be doing it to save her son. Even if he lost a lot of weight and was weaned off the drugs, once he got home Vernon would encourage him to "build himself up again" and Dudley would gladly do it. He would be back on drugs and booze again in no time. If it didn't kill him immediately it would eventually.

He would still be a bully and double his efforts because since he had been forced to restrain his eating, drinking and drugging, then somebody had to be made to suffer. It couldn't be the doctors or the police as he would be on probation for a long time. So it would be Harry while he was home, then the neighborhood children and then…who knew who.

There was a very real chance that he would kill someone and then he would go to jail and be lost to her forever.

No, if killing her odious husband was the only way to save Dudley and other lives, then she would gladly do it. After all, according to Vernon it was a wife's duty to obey a husband completely and there was nothing Vernon liked better than fats, sugar, salt, booze and cholesterol. She would see that he was happy and he would "die happy" as soon as possible.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 2 – Cooking for a Football Team

She began her plan two days before Harry was to come home. She went to several shops far from the local ones in Surrey where she did her shopping. She stocked up on more liquor than normal and a lot of common run of the mill food. Nothing was suspicious. She always paid in cash.

Then she started making her menu plans. She didn't go with Vernon to pick up the Freak as she was making Vernon a special dinner since he would be forced to be putting up with the Freak for another summer. It should all be ready for Vernon to enjoy when he returned home.

She had prepared a whole ham using an "American recipe from the South which was noted for its good food and produced the most footballers and strong, strapping men." She had searched all over to find a fatty ham and then cooked it drenched in honey, brown sugar and just as she took it from the oven, she poured bourbon over it so that the alcohol would add "extra flavor" but not burn off thus adding more calories to the meal and booze into Vernon's system.

The side dishes were a sweet potato casserole loaded with brandy, pecans, lots of butter and topped with marshmallows, string beans cooked to almost a mush and then topped with lots of freshly fried bacon pieces to give it "protein" and special Southern biscuits dripping with butter. A double chocolate brownie with ice cream and a hot fudge drizzle on top of the ice cream completed the meal.

Vernon was very happy as he had spent the entire ride home from King's Cross Station berating the boy and then once the boy had dragged his trunk inside the house, Vernon administered several "welcome home" punches, knocked him down and gave a few kicks to the boy's ribs. Petunia greeted him with a large tumbler of good scotch which he gulped down and then dinner was served.

Vernon enjoyed the meal immensely and looked forward to eating more of the recipes.

The next day Petunia woke the Freak up earlier than usual as she wanted him to make a very special breakfast for Vernon. She also informed him that since Dudley had been forced to go to that ridiculous camp "Which your Uncle is blaming you for" if Harry was to survive the summer he better be doing the best cooking of his life as Petunia was trying to make Vernon happy.

"You do remember," she had said to Harry, "That the things which really make your Uncle happy and content are getting a big sale, eating good food and 'teaching you your proper place' so if you know what is good for you, you better be cooking better than a French chef if you plan on living to September."

So that morning Harry cooked the first in a long line of breakfasts although his Aunt would be helping him with certain things. Vernon sat down to a six egg omelet, made with heavy cream and a generous amount of grated cheddar cheese (the imitation kind as it had more calories and lacked the goodness of milk), with a few minced shallots for tang and lots and lots of salt and pepper. It was accompanied by half a pound of bacon and half a pound of sausage and coffee. Instead of the usual serving of toast, Petunia had made fried bread, fried in the bacon fat and then, just to be thorough, she lavishly buttered the bread and put a cheap marmalade on because it had more calories than the fruit based one she used.

For her own dainty breakfast Petunia had her usual serving of one piece of toast with a bit of marmalade, a soft boiled egg and cup of tea. She made sure that Vernon heard her tell the Freak that the only food he would get, as usual, was what was not eaten by Vernon. So naturally Vernon forced down every bit of the food so the Freak would go hungry.

Since he had so enjoyed the ham, Petunia had packed Vernon a special lunch of three thick ham sandwiches topped with a thick slice of cheese. "Enjoy your lunch dearest," she purred handing him the sandwiches, "you need to keep up your strength while you are working so hard during the day."

After Harry did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen he spent four hours doing yard work (which Vernon always let pile up for when the Freak came home from school) while his Aunt actually did some of the chores she would usually have him do. But that afternoon Harry (who was a much better cook than Petunia) would be very busy in the kitchen and would be for the duration of the summer.

Vernon was greeted with a new "American" dinner. Two chickens had been cut up and double breaded with a special mixture of spices and lots of salt and then fried in lard. The chicken was taken directly from the frying pan and placed on a platter and NOT drained on a paper towel to sop up the excess grease and fat.

Petunia had not been able to find the special greens the Americans used but had found some greens which were cooked to a mush, than liberally mixed with sour cream and loads of butter, heavily salted and served up. Mashed potatoes, whipped with cream and lots of butter had then been topped with cheese and baked in the oven completed the entrée.

For dessert a pecan pie had been made and topped with butter almond ice cream. Vernon's glass of whiskey had been replaced with a mixed drink consisting of bourbon and vermouth and the glass made been kept refilled throughout the meal and after.

It was food just like Vernon liked but he had not been able to finish all of the chicken and Petunia did so want him to try that pie. So that the Freak wouldn't benefit from Vernon's "lack of appetite" Petunia asked if Vernon would like the rest of the chicken to take for lunch. He said yes smirking at the disappointed and starving boy and mentioned he'd like a large piece (or two) of that pie. It was so good that he ate the whole thing.

And so it went on for the next few weeks. Meal after meal of "special recipes" were served up to Vernon all of them suitable for a "manly man" to keep up his strength. The meals were loaded with as much fat, salt, sugar and calories as possible and Vernon's drinking was also encouraged by his "loving wife" who thought and acted only to please him.

Petunia had also added some special Italian food. Most of it was loaded with cheese and heavy pasta but the recipes she had found had made the food extremely calorie laden.

On the weekend Vernon opted for some good British cooking – but only because he was feeling unpatriotic eating all the American and Italian food he was being served during the week. But that was also doable.

On one Saturday Vernon would be taking a client golfing, therefore he needed to have a very hearty breakfast since he would be doing so much exercise. It was hard work driving that golf cart around, getting in and out of it to swing a club and then to "work his magic" on his client. It was an unwritten law in the Dursley house that the only "magic" which really existed was Vernon's formidable selling skills. Yeah, right.

So on this day Harry had been up at five to make the special "fortifying breakfast" for Vernon. Petunia would be having half a grapefruit, a soft boiled egg and her cup of tea so that Vernon could enjoy it all.

Vernon sat down to six large pancakes – from another special recipe. Each pancake was seven inches in diameter and the batter was made from buttermilk "diluted" with heavy cream, had chopped nuts mixed in, and had been "lovingly" pre-buttered by Petunia, who had generously buttered and doused with maple syrup (which was made mostly with high fructose corn syrup) each pancake individually.

Six scrambled eggs with some cream cheese mixed in was the side dish and a platter containing one pound of fried bacon was set next to it. Harry could not help but gaze on the meal, but not out of hunger which was what Vernon thought it was due to. No Harry was wondering if Vernon would be able to stuff down all of that food in one sitting. If Vernon managed all of the bacon besides the heavy fat and sugar laden foods, it would probably set some kind of record somewhere.

After the first week Harry had come to the conclusion that Petunia was trying to kill her husband with food. It would be the perfect crime as Vernon had been warned by his doctors but would not be told what to do by anybody, especially someone much smarter than him like a doctor. The "unfairness" of the doctors regarding his and Dudley's eating habits was all Harry had heard about during the drive home.

If anyone asked, Petunia would be the dutiful wife trying only to please her husband by following his orders just like she had been for the past 17 years.

Harry also knew that Petunia had been shopping in several stores away from Privet Drive so as not to be seen buying all of the extra fattening food. So far they were using one pound of bacon and/or sausage per day and more than one pound of butter per day, not to mention the lard, suet, extra sugar, the heavy cream, ice cream and salt. In two weeks they had gone through one pound of cheese a day, varying in degrees of calories and fat and any vegetable served was loaded with all the worse possible things as well as being cooked to death so that no vitamin had a chance of surviving.

The only thing that really bothered Harry was that she was doing it when he was home to do the cooking. Was he going to be blamed when Vernon keeled over dead? He was just following orders but he had no choice. It worried him greatly.

He had had the school year from hell what with the Tournament and Voldemort resurrecting. He knew he was being accused of lying and even causing Cedric's death and his friends had not written to him. His Aunt did all of the shopping and since he still had so many chores to do besides all of the "special cooking" he hadn't even been able to leave the house.

At least Dudley wasn't here to "hunt" him so that was one saving grace. The other had been Petunia allowing him to eat when Vernon wasn't around. Vernon was not only eating all the extra bad things, he was also "eating for two" because there was even more food was being made as if Dudley were there to eat it but since he wasn't and Vernon didn't want Harry to have food, he ate Dudley's share and the extra.

But Vernon was outdoing himself. In Harry's opinion he wasn't eating for two but for an entire American football team. If Ron was here to view Vernon's packing away of food Ron might have yet another thing to be jealous about. Ron ate a lot but he had the excuse of being a "growing boy" and during the past year Harry had accidentally found out that eating lots of food when growing up helped in growing a magical core. Considering his diet at the Dursleys, it was a wonder that Harry had any magic in his core due to his starvation upbringing.

Harry had suspected that Petunia knew he "dumpster dived" throughout the years but she allowed it so that he wouldn't actually starve to death. That way she could truthfully tell Vernon the _Freak hadn't been given food since he "didn't earn it"_ for some reason but he had been allowed out to forage for himself so that they wouldn't have a dead Freak on their hands.

Instead, maybe because he was the unwilling but definite "accessory" to the crime, she relented and actually fed him decent food for once.

What worried him was how long it would take Vernon to have that heart attack. He was managing to eat so much it was fascinating to watch. Petunia had taken his pants and suits to a tailor out of town to alter to match the weight Vernon had gained. She had bought him all new underwear and shirts but he hadn't noticed. He had made arrangements to buy some new suits to fit his growing "manliness" and Petunia urged him to go to Harrods (where they had a charge account for appearances sake) to treat himself to some properly made clothes.

Since Harry had been home Vernon had gained 35 pounds and showed no sign of stopping his massive eating. Harry had been keeping track of all that Vernon ate just to tease Ron. Being no fool, Harry had written in down in parsel tongue so that if there was an inquiry, no incriminating evidence would be found. Harry just "doodled" the squiggly lines making it look (he hoped) like he was just doing some aimless scribbling.

Despite the horrific diet, Vernon was still going strong. Maybe people of his ilk actually thrived on such a diet. It was a horrible thought, especially since Vernon looked like he was getting healthier – and a hell of a lot fatter – but he looked and acted fine.

For once he was truly happy and he hadn't hit Harry since the welcome home beating. Apparently all of the food was mellowing him. However, it was annoying the hell out of Petunia as HE WAS STILL ALIVE. It was then she decided to escalate things.

Vernon left for work one rainy Monday morning. He had just gobbled down four fried eggs, three pieces of heavily buttered and jam smeared toast, a large smoked kipper, a side of baked beans with pieces of fried bacon laced through and half a pound of sausages.

Vernon had discovered that his office lunch room had a microwave therefore he could take for his lunch a hot meal left over from the night before so that the Freak couldn't have the left overs. For Sunday lunch Petunia had served a large pork roast, with peanut oil coated rosemary laced roast potatoes, brandied brown sugar apple slices (well Vernon needed some fruit in his diet) and peas drenched in butter.

There had been another pecan pie with ice cream for pudding as Vernon discovered he loved the overly sweet, incredibly calorie-filled, rich American dessert. All of the food was washed down with lots of alcohol.

He had a serving of pork big enough to feed three normal people or Ron Weasley. Petunia had Harry up bright and early to fry up the left over potatoes in lard and to throw in a few buttered peas for color. The pork had been cut up into large bite size chunks (bite sized for a hippogriff as Petunia was hoping Vernon would choke) and thrown on top of the potatoes and peas. A generous serving of grated cheese was put on top to finish it off. All Vernon had to do was to nuke it until the cheese melted and lunch was served.

After Vernon had waddled out of the house and drove away in his car, Petunia called a conference. It only consisted of her and Harry but it was the closest thing to a council of war she could get.

"Vernon is getting bored," she started to say, "Therefore we must find some new and 'sustaining' dishes for his enjoyment."

By 'sustaining' Harry knew she meant potentially lethal but who was he to mention he knew what was going on. So she brought out every cookbook she owned and they discussed possible menus and ways to "liven them up" which meant how to make them deadlier without adding arsenic or hemlock as new ingredients.

They came up with several ideas but it was going to be expensive. Harry knew that Vernon "needed" large quantities of cholesterol to fuel a heart attack so besides eggs and the various fats they were using something like lobster would "help" especially if it was cooked in a dish which used a lot of butter and cream. They found several such dishes in various cookbooks.

Then there were the desserts which could be made to be "sustaining" in the way Petunia wanted. The custard in the trifle could be made using extra egg yolks and sweeten heavy cream. The fruit used in the dish could be pre-soaked in various sweet liquors adding more calories "to build Vernon up more" and whipped cream made heavy with sugar could be added on top of the dessert. After experimenting a bit, the whipped cream became a surgery meringue.

Harry had to admit that it was a very decadent dessert and as trifle was one of Vernon's very favorites, due to the amount of alcohol in it, he might eat the whole thing in one sitting. The way Harry was going to make it, it would contain thousands upon thousands of calories and cholesterol. If Vernon survived the likes of this and the others things Harry would be making, medical science might be interested in using him for medical testing.

Although aunt and nephew never said anything to each other about "the special diet" both knew what was going on. Harry knew why Petunia was doing it and part of him absolved her. He had no reason to like, let alone love, Vernon Dursley and normally he didn't approve of murder but in this case he would make an exception. He could always do what he had done his entire life and play the unknowing, stupid kid who was just doing the cooking his aunt wanted done to cheer up and make her husband happy.

But Harry was definitely not stupid as had he been he would have been dead long before this time despite his magic. He had to pretend to be dumb not only so he wouldn't get beaten to a pulp for outshining Dudley but to survive Hogwarts.

If there was one thing the Dursleys had taught him and taught him early, it was to read people and form an opinion as soon as possible. He had taken the measure of Draco Malfoy during their first meeting at Madame Malkin's and it was further refined on the train and then outside the Great Hall just before the sorting.

He had been correct in his opinion that Draco was a whiny, spoiled brat, raised to feel superior while not really being so and content to use the accomplishments, political power and wealth of his family rather than establish his own. He could coast through life on this and someday just step into his father's shoes and have that power for his own. Whether he would be able to keep it would be a different story but that was Draco's problem not Harry's.

It had also been those two meetings with Draco that Harry had formed his opinion of Ron Weasley. Harry might have been truly desperate to make a friend – anyone would do as long as he had a "mate" to hang around with – but he had hoped to have more than one.

But it was to be denied him as he soon realized that like Hagrid, Ron and all the Weasleys were plants arranged by Dumbledore to be Harry's keepers. Like the Dursleys, the Weasleys made sure that Harry had no friends other than them and Dumbledore had Harry so tightly and carefully controlled that only Hermione Granger had been allowed to join the "wardens" as Harry secretly called the Weasleys.

Harry knew his life was being controlled and manipulated but there was nothing he could do about it except play along and act stupid. But he was a master of noticing everything going on around him while seeming not to. So he watched and learned and tried to plan. He was just trying to survive until he could hopefully escape someday.

But last year had been horrible what with being forced to compete in the Tournament and the resurrection of Voldemort. His friends seemed to have abandoned him, probably on the orders of Dumbledore.

Sirius had once again proved to be not the "right stuff" which Harry so desperately needed as he had said that James would have jumped at the chance to enter the Tournament. Harry felt that Sirius wasn't taking the whole thing seriously and the fact that Harry truly feared for his life was ignored.

His whole attitude during the Tournament, on the rare times he actually communicated with Harry, was one more of indifference to the fear and rooting for Harry to beat the hell out of the competition. He didn't do much to help Harry despite knowing the boy hadn't the training or support needed to survive let alone win.

He had heard absolutely nothing from Sirius in regard to Voldemort's resurrection although he was certain he knew. The only thing Harry wanted to do now with regard to Sirius was to invite him for dinner every night! Maybe he and Vernon could have nightly drinking contests to see who would pass out (or drop dead) first.

So Harry helped his Aunt Petunia plot the death of her husband. If nothing else one dreadful person would be removed from his life. If he ended up in a Muggle jail, then so be it as he was too young to be tried as an adult and given the death sentence and it would get him away from Dumbledore, "his friends" and teachers and the Magical World in general.

Harry had a feeling that since it was his life, Murphy's Law would take over and not only would he have Voldie, the Ministry, Death Eaters and the Muggle police after him, Hermione would chastise the hell out of him.

Yep, that was Harry's life all right. Damned if he did and damned if he didn't and with tons of dishes to do.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 3 – Double, Double, Cooking and Trouble

Aunt and nephew had planned many new and exciting menus guaranteed to hopefully meet Vernon's wants and needs, or rather Petunia's wants and needs. They couldn't be made that day due to all of the special ingredients to be purchased and the preparation time needed.

So that night poor Vernon had to make due with a that American favorite of footballers (Petunia's words) chicken fried steak (which Harry double fried), its traditional gravy, brandied and candied carrots, potatoes fried in bacon grease and then sprinkled with bacon pieces with grease still dripping off and treacle tart topped with ice cream and whipped cream. Harry made enough food to feed four people and Vernon gobbled it down with the exception of the very small portion which Petunia daintily ate. Mercifully Petunia had allowed Harry to eat a decent meal before Vernon came home.

Vernon had just sat down to his tart when the phone rang. It was Marge who tearfully and hysterically was calling her only brother to rely the sorrowful news that Ripper, her beloved dog and star stud, had mysteriously died. Apparently someone had poisoned the dog and Marge was inconsolable.

The end result was that she needed time away from her home to recover from her grief as well as to complain about the police's indifference to the horrific crime which had been committed. Naturally Vernon offered her the use and comfort of his home and she would be arriving the day after tomorrow after the funeral and making arrangements for the care of her other dogs.

While Harry groaned inwardly Petunia gleefully decided to take advantage of the tragedy by "making poor Marge some exotic dishes destined to help relieve her grief." Of course she needed a bit extra for shopping as Marge would be requiring only the best of alcohol to sedate her as well as the ingredients needed to temp her to eat a morsel or two.

Vernon wanted to make his only sister happy. Since Marge would be here for who knew how long, he would definitely need to drink a lot more. Besides he was really enjoying all of the new foods and watching the Freak go hungry as he didn't think the Freak had had any food since he came due to Vernon eating it all or claiming it for his lunch. But even the Freak had to eat so Petunia was probably letting him have the foods she purposely let go stale, rotten and moldy as Freaks didn't deserve to have a proper meal.

At least with Marge here he would have help teaching the Freak his proper place. With all of this extra good food Vernon ate so much that he was getting too mellow and lazy. Despite his increased "health regimen" Vernon just didn't have as much energy as usual to beat the Freak like he deserved.

Marge would put a halt to that especially now when she needed to vent her spleen. There was nothing like beating something to a pulp to get rid of your sorrow and woes and Vernon thought the reason Marge wanted to come for a visit was so that she could make the Freak suffer.

Marge arrived in a hideous mood. The only one to attend Ripper's funeral had been her dear friend and neighbor the Major. He would also be looking in on her dogs while she was away and had promised to harass the police who apparently showed no enthusiasm for hunting down the fiend who had murdered her Ripper.

To console Marge Petunia was making one of her special Southern dinners. Actually Harry was making the dinner and they had added some of their special touches to the menu.

Petunia met Marge and Vernon at the door with a pitcher full of a special American Southern drink she had read about. Actually the only thing remotely "Southern" about the drink was it had a sprig of fresh mint on top. A mint julep it was not as it was one of Harry's creations guaranteed to…get a person drunk as a skunk and as fast as possible.

The "julep" was a mixture of cheap bourbon, gin, vodka, vermouth, brandy, grenadine syrup, a dash of lime juice, and sugar to taste then shaken and poured over cracked ice – a very small amount of ice to get the desired effect. A few maraschino cherries and the juice were added as a topping and it was served in an iced glass tumbler. Harry had the job of keeping the tumblers constantly filled and other pitchers to keep on a coming.

Marge complained non-stop from the moment Vernon had picked her up at the train station and showed no sign of ending her tirade any time soon. Fortunately she did stop when shoveling the food into her gaping maw, unlike Ron Weasley would have done.

Four chickens had sacrificed their lives so that Marge could nibble and regain her strength. All pieces of the birds had been doubled dipped in "Petunia's special batter" and fried to a crisp golden brown. There was also that special sweet potatoes casserole along with the freshly made biscuits with butter and honey toppings. Since Marge didn't like green vegetables, a side dish of fried catfish (or as close as catfish that Petunia could find) was the side.

There was that pecan pie – Vernon's new favorite – topped with the butter almond ice cream, "Petunia's special" whipped cream (Harry's version of meringue) and just on case she didn't like the pie, a triple fudge layer cake was made also to be topped with the ice cream and whipped meringue.

The drinks were topped off all through dinner and after as apparently Marge enjoyed it. Harry had made four large pitchers until he ran out of bourbon. He did another pitcher using scotch whiskey instead but by that time neither Dursleys had noticed. Eventually both Dursley siblings passed out in the living room and since there was no way that Harry and Petunia could have carried them upstairs, they were just left to "sleep it off" as best they could.

Petunia had to call the office the next morning saying that there had been a death in the family and Vernon was consoling his sister. In reality they were both so hung over that Harry had to whip up a special breakfast to get them better.

Marge had only wanted something light as she didn't think her "grief" would let her eat too much. Harry then made several batches of _light, fluffy_ waffles (served with lots of butter and syrup), a dozen eggs scrambled _light and fluffy with sour cream and butter_ , a mere pound of bacon, eight pieces of toast and, since it was apparently an American tradition, the few (very few as we can't let Harry have any) pieces of fried chicken left from the night before was reheated and served for breakfast. Nothing was left even for Petunia to nibble on as Marge had grabbed her piece of toast.

Lunch was a simple Sicilian pizza made from scratch and topped with bacon, sausage, extra cheese and crumbled bacon bits. Both Vernon and Marge had their own individual pizza made in Petunia's cookie sheets. Petunia ate her small salad while Harry was seen not to have anything but he did make a sandwich on the sly and was given two apples to nibble on while he cooked.

Since Marge was still not feeling too well due to grief, she and Vernon spent the day in the living room enjoying the air-conditioning and drinking gin and tonics while Harry slaved away in the kitchen and Petunia went shopping for more booze and food, as Marge "probably" could not eat anything too heavy for dinner due to that all-encompassing grief.

So dinner was simple. Four T-bone steaks were cooked and topped with a special sauce Harry invented. It was a roué (butter and flour) nicely spiced with some fresh herbs to give it flavor (but definitely not any vitamins) and some heavy cream was added. When a sauce had been made it was poured into a bowl where Harry added some bourbon and vermouth, gave it the necessary stirs and a taste (Harry got to taste a lot of booze during Vernon's diet to see if the dish was "edible") and then the steaks were placed on a platter and the sauce generously poured over it.

There were some simple roasted potatoes, which had been dipped in oil before being roasted to give them a "shine" (and calories and cholesterol) and served with a specially made heavy cheese sauce poured over them to give the potatoes "color" and taste.

For appearances sake green beans were served as the healthful dish but they were cooked to death, slathered in butter and sprinkled with the "necessary" bacon pieces. Naturally there were dinner rolls with honey butter. A chocolate mousse was served because it was considered light (in textured at least) as was the light and airy "special" whipped cream on top of it.

Petunia managed to get a small piece of steak, two potatoes and a few beans (minus the bacon) but everything else was eaten by Vernon and Marge – everything, including the last of the ice cream in the freezer as Marge felt peckish an hour after dinner.

A lot of drinking was done but mostly by Marge as Vernon had an appointment the next day with an important client.

After another large breakfast Vernon left for work while Marge still sat at the table eating. Harry had made them each a six egg cheese omelet, fried up a pound of bacon and a pound of sausage, made 10 pieces of toast (Petunia managed to get one slice) and all was eaten. After Vernon left Marge had toyed with the idea of having another omelet but decided to find out what was for lunch before she did.

Petunia suggested that Marge go shopping with her and she could pick out what she wanted to have. Even though Petunia had prepared for Marge's coming, there was only so much which could fit into the frig at one time, so she needed to pick up more eggs, cream, butter, meats and the whole turkey she had specially ordered. She also needed to stock in even more booze because Marge was outdoing herself.

Harry also needed time to catch up on his outside chores as the lawn always needed mowing and the garden weeding and watering. With Marge here he needed to do the housework Petunia had been doing so that he could do all the extra cooking and baking. But he was used to hard work and at least he was being adequately fed for once.

He had just finished the lawn when they came rolling home. He carried in the groceries and even though it had only been two hours since breakfast Marge was hungry. Petunia made her a large platter of sandwiches as Harry had to start cooking the turkey. Petunia had planned to serve a traditional American Thanksgiving dinner to "thank" that although Ripper was dead, "dear Marge is still with us." Harry had nearly gagged hearing that platitude as he knew Petunia despise Marge.

Harry had been up extra early to start preparing the stuffing so all he had to do was clean the turkey and put it in the oven. He had also prepared two pies and had put them in the oven as soon as breakfast was cooked and he was doing the dishes. Petunia was buying pre-made dinner rolls at the market so that they only had to be warmed up and the side dishes could be made before Vernon came home.

Petunia had found some very large baking potatoes so they could be thrown in while the turkey was cooking and would be served with lots of butter and gobs of sour cream (and bacon bits). She stocked up on ice cream (for the pies) and the other "necessities" and once the turkey was in the oven, Harry could finish the yard work, shower, do some vacuuming and other cleaning as well as a load or two of laundry as Marge always arrived with dirty laundry so that Petunia could do it for her.

Petunia would be doing nothing for the rest of the day except for entertaining Marge. This meant listening to the odious woman drone on and on, while they watched the soaps on the telly and Petunia did the occasional spying on the neighbors.

Marge would also drink all day long but today she was content with guzzling beer instead of the hard stuff as Petunia had remarked that the American Pilgrims drank beer at their first Thanksgiving. The beer was also cheaper in the long run as compared to all of the liquor she would be guzzling before she left. The beer would give her strength (and calories) and hopefully cheer her up.

Dinner was ready shortly after Vernon got home. Fortunately for Harry, Vernon had made a big sale and was in a very good mood. In fact, he had stopped off to buy some champagne to celebrate as well as a few other bottles of goodies.

The dinner was a success and instead of being piss ass drunk (considering the amount he drank) Vernon was in a very good mood. The 15 lb. turkey was actually enough to feed Vernon and Marge with some left over for sandwiches for Vernon's lunch the next day. Petunia actually had some and, miracle of miracles, she was in such a good mood that Harry got to eat some of the turkey scraps, a few spoonful's of the green bean casserole, topped with deep fried onion slices with sour cream and butter mixed in for "calcium," and half of the fresh salad (which only Petunia usually ate) and a piece of pie.

However, two bottles of champagne had been guzzled by Vernon and Marge, except for the half glass Petunia had. Another two bottles of wine were drunk and an entire bottle of brandy and a box of liquor chocolates had disappeared down Vernon and Marge's throats.

Petunia had actually drunk an entire glass of brandy. She needed it because the Terrible Two had almost eaten an entire American Thanksgiving dinner by themselves. There was not a morsel of the stuffing left and it had been made with two loaves of bread and half a pound of sausage and other things, all 6 baked potatoes were gone (three each for Vernon and Marge), all of the calorie-laden vegetable dishes were gone, both pies (minus Harry's very small piece) and half a gallon of ice cream. One dozen dinner rolls with butter completed the meal.

There had also been nearly two quarts of thick, creamy gravy which just disappeared before Petunia's eyes. Harry had used the turkey broth and added several tins of cream of mushroom soup made with half and half instead of water and had thrown in gobs of butter and – surprise – some fried bacon pieces.

The first thing Petunia wanted to know was WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY PUTTING IT ALL? The second thing was WHEN WAS HER PLAN GOING TO WORK?

She couldn't keep this up much longer if only because it was costing a fortune. In the five weeks since Harry had been home, she had spent over £3,000 on food and booze. Vernon gave her a generous allowance to buy food, mostly thanks to the money they received for keeping the Freak. Food was the one thing Vernon would never skimp on even if they didn't have the Freak's money.

Over the years Petunia had been setting aside whatever money she didn't spend on food in an emergency fund which she very carefully hid just in case she had to flee from Vernon someday. She couldn't put it in a bank account as the taxman, or worst, Vernon would find it. Instead she had stashes hidden all over the house where even Dudley couldn't find it.

She hated to admit it but Dudley knew where the official emergency funds were kept and despite the generous pocket money given to him, it was never enough. He was always trying to cage money out of his parents and usually succeeded, but even they got suspicious on occasion especially after he started using drugs.

The Dursleys were always in need of cash. There was a large vase kept in the china closet where Vernon and Petunia kept an emergency fund just in case there was a bill which needed to be paid immediately, the ATM machine was shut down or bribe money was needed quickly. Usually it was to get Dudley out of trouble.

Dudley was not supposed to know where it was but he had since early childhood. Whenever he needed quick cash for some reason he just helped himself and the Freak was blamed for the theft. Sometimes he did it just to get the Freak in trouble. Vernon and Petunia knew Dudley helped himself but didn't let on. Vernon liked it when the Freak got in trouble so it was good of Dudley to help teach the Freak a lesson on occasion.

But Dudley wasn't home for the summer and Petunia couldn't avail herself of the cash as Vernon checked on it weekly. She had dipped into her savings to the tune of £700 because she had been shopping at other stores for all the extra contraband food so that she couldn't be accused of deliberating hastening Vernon's death because she didn't dare put it on the charge as that would leave a record of her purchases.

Vernon had given her money for Marge's visit as he knew his sister all too well especially in circumstances such as this, but she had already spent the extra £300 in just two days. Half of it was on booze and soon even Vernon would start complaining. Marge's visits usually lasted a week or ten days. She couldn't afford for Marge to be here for that long, not unless she cut down on the "extras" being added to the diet.

She might have to cut down until Marge left but would she be allowed to as Marge really liked the food and was eating more than she usually did. Besides it would look too suspicious if both Vernon and Marge died. There was only so much she could blame on Harry. Damn, why couldn't things go right for once!

They suffered two more days of Marge before she received an emergency phone call from her friend the Major. Apparently two more of her dogs had been poisoned and when the police came to investigate they brought an animal specialist with them. He made a thorough inspection and found too many things wrong with Marge's operation. Therefore she had to come home immediately.

She left the same day she received the call. Both Petunia and Harry breathed a sigh of relief as did Vernon – secretly of course. Petunia went out and bought some fillet mignon to really celebrate but Vernon had come home and offered to take her out to dinner. She couldn't refuse that offer. So the steaks were put in the freezer and off they went to nosh at a posh restaurant.

At least Harry got to catch up on his other chores that day and since Petunia was still allowing him to eat, he made himself a nice salad and nuked some of the left over lasagna from the massive Italian dinner from the night before.

It had started out with an antipasto tray containing the fattiest slices of lunch meat and cheeses Petunia could find, as well as deep fried cheese balls and deep fried vegetables (fried in peanut oil which was bad for someone with a potential heart condition). A large Caesar salad (made with safflower oil a real "killer" instead of the healthier olive oil), extra egg yolks and the croutons were made from bread fried in bacon grease and while hot rolled in a liquid cheese (Cheese Whiz) and mixed in the salad. Harry created a new dressing and dubbed it (to himself) "liquid heart attack" and then threw in some macadamia nuts. Petunia found out macadamias were unlike other nuts which were good for you such as almonds and cashews, and are high in fat and low in protein and has the highest amount of monounsaturated fats of any known edible seed.

The entrée was the lasagna and that was probably the "healthiest" thing on the menu as it was a standard lasagna recipe but made with cheap ground pork (very fatty) which had been marinated in cheap red wine and several expensive but tangy Italian cheeses so as not to make it too bland. For "color" the chef in Harry grilled some Italian peppers of various colors like green, red and yellow but had first marinated them in peanut oil, balsamic vinegar and "grilled" them in the frying pan.

Somewhere Petunia had found 2 one gallon bottles of red wine, which would be served after Marge and Vernon had drunk deeply of the good scotch Vernon had recently purchased. Hopefully after drinking the scotch they wouldn't notice the cheap taste of the wine as well as the cheap "rotgut" vodka Harry had mixed in.

He was spared making dessert as Petunia had found an Italian bakery and purchased a special rum cake and two pounds of cannoli filling, which was very, very rich. She had Harry quickly make up a two layer pound cake (with extra butter and egg yolks) and then ice it with the filling.

Somehow one nice size piece of the lasagna had been left over and since Vernon was taking a client out to lunch the next day, he didn't need a lunch. Marge had received "the call" around 10 a.m. so that left the treasure forgotten in the frig. However, Marge took the remainder of the cannoli-iced pound cake to nosh on as well as having the Freak make several sandwiches from the extra lunch meats and cheeses which hadn't been used in making the antipasto as "she had to keep up her strength and fortify herself for the bad news the Major had hinted was waiting for her.

So Harry got to eat and Petunia was happy as Vernon was spending "his money" so she didn't have to spend "her money" even considering the buying of the steaks. She got to order a prawn cocktail, a nice piece of fish and a fruit tart for dessert. Vernon ordered and ate a lot of food and drank a bottle of wine by himself as Petunia only was _allowed_ to have one glass when dining out so she had white wine while Vernon had the bottle of red with his steak.

Vernon complained about how much those thieves who ran restaurants had the nerve to charge people when he got to eat and drink much more food at home for a fraction of what he had spent that night. If he only knew!

So it was back to "the diet" the next day with Vernon having a huge breakfast and Petunia planning her next attempt at giving Vernon a "heart attack on a plate" as she was now calling it – but only in her mind.

Harry got to make a lobster dish which he invented using four large lobsters, lots of cream, butter, herbs and salt. It was served over a bed of homemade pasta made with extra eggs yolks. Asparagus with Hollandaise sauce was the side and finally the "killer trifle" made its debut. It was so good that Vernon actually congratulated Harry for the first time in living memory. Harry didn't know whether to faint, cry or just to say thank you, so Petunia did it for him.

The dinner was enough to feed four people so naturally nothing was left of it or the trifle. Fortunately for Harry he had tasted things as he cooked and had been happy with the results. Petunia had wanted to eat more of the food but Vernon's "needs" came first, as always but she did enjoy what she got and then filled up on salad.

Another three days had passed without incident and Harry could almost forget – but didn't – that his friends hadn't written to him and he had absolutely no news of the outside world other than listening to the occasional Muggle news program.

His birthday was coming soon so hopefully he would at least get a card. Two weeks ago he had tried sending one more letter to Hermione but Hedwig had not returned and he was starting to worry. Oh well, maybe Hermione was keeping Hedwig because she hadn't gotten his present yet. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Harry.

Marge had been gone for two days when another call was received informing the Dursleys that she would be coming back due to the need of getting a lawyer. She knew that Vernon had "connections" and could help her find a proper one. She arrived the next day with more laundry and her tale of woe. She also brought her appetite.

As things stood, Marge's dog breeding business had been shut down. Ripper had not been poisoned by "an evil, nasty, foreign, lay about" which Marge had told the police, but by an some rat poison which had spilled in Marge's small garden shed and had somehow seeped into the water supply running into her kennel. Ripper had lapped up some of the poison on the shed floor and that was what killed him. The other dogs were also poisoned by the water.

Besides the animal rescue inspector, the Board of Health had looked over her kennel, her grounds and her house. The Major had been forced to open her house to the inspection teams and since Petunia hadn't paid a visit to Marge lately, the house was a pigsty.

Moreover, the female breeding dogs were old and had been overbred. The oldest bitch had an open sore on her leg which Marge had been doctoring because she had been too cheap to take the poor dog to a Vet. The dog's last breeding hadn't taken and Marge thought she might be too old to get pregnant and thus wasn't worth spending money on. If the dog survived the infection and bred again, she would be worth something. If not, then Marge would just have the Major wring her neck.

However, unknown to Marge, it had been the Major who had reported her. He was fed up with the way she treated her animals. He had stopped coming to tea at Marge's house because it was so filthy. By tea, it was just that. Tea, the odd small sandwich and some biscuits were served, not a meal.

He knew she had money but was too cheap to spend it not only on the dogs but to hire a char woman. She would only have to have someone come in once a week to do the basic cleaning and maybe once or twice a year to do some heavy cleaning, but Marge was too much of a tightwad. He knew she made her sister-in-law do it but the woman hadn't been there since last year and it showed.

Her drinking had also increased in the past few years and rumor had it that one of the dog shows had banned her due to her erratic and unprofessional behavior. The neighbors were all disgusted with her and even the Vicar wouldn't visit.

Therefore, all of her dogs were taken into custody until such time as her kennels, grounds and her personal home could pass inspection. Three of the dogs had to be destroyed due to injuries and old age, such as the bitch with the open wound. Her license was revoked until she passed inspection and took a few mandatory behavioral and health courses.

Marge, being a Dursley, didn't see this as being her fault but only that her rights were being violated and/or someone wanted a bribe. She had offered one but that only made things worse. So she had come to her brother to find a lawyer to take care of the situation. Until then, she would be staying with him for as long as it took for her to get justice.

Vernon did love his sister but only in small doses - very small doses. He knew she was in the wrong as the last time he and Petunia had gone for a visit, things had gotten a lot worse. Petunia couldn't finish cleaning the house in the week they were staying there. He and Marge would go off each morning after eating the breakfast Petunia cooked for them. Brother and sister would spend "quality time" with each other while Petunia did the dirty work. The really, really, really dirty work.

Not only did his wife have to do a large amount of cleaning, but also the laundry, all of the cooking and even the shopping. There would not be much food in the house so if they wanted to eat Petunia would go out and buy food, beverages (including liquor) and household items like cleaning supplies, laundry soap, trash bags, etc. and Marge would never think to reimburse them.

Marge had been inviting them to stay for the past six months but Petunia absolutely refused. "You only get so much vacation time and it can be spent going to someplace nice as you deserve a good holiday not just going to dog shows with your sister."

And that is what they did mostly, with Vernon doing the driving and Petunia staying and doing all the house work. She absolutely refused to clean the kennel despite Marge trying to bully her into doing so.

Vernon knew that Marge had money and unlike the Major knew just how much down to the penny. She just didn't like to spend it on anything except booze and eating out and the occasional good holiday. People had been letting her get away with it for years, even him, but now it reached a point where something had to be done and done soon, otherwise Marge just might take it into her head to move in with them – permanently.

So he looked around for a sympathetic lawyer (which he would probably have to pay for) so that Marge could be forced to change her life or at least get out of his house.

Until then, she was here and she was hungry and thirsty and wanted to be entertained. And all of that was now Petunia's job. Petunia knew it and didn't like it but so what.

He tried to pacify her by slipping her another £100 until she actually laughed in his face. She had saved the supermarket receipts from the other week when Marge had been there and Vernon was more than shocked, he was downright horrified.

"When Marge is here even you eat and drink a lot more than you usually do," Petunia lied. "Also this doesn't include the things I already had on hand. I have to do her laundry, drive her around, buy her lunch when she feels like eating out – at a regular restaurant – and I swear after she leaves we are missing bars of soap and other toiletries such as shampoo, deodorant and even toilet paper."

Vernon was more than convinced and started calling in favors and contacts to get his sister the "help" she required. He had taken the liberty of inviting his boss for dinner to sample some of his wife's new cooking skills. The only reason the boss had refused the invitation was because he was going away on a business trip for about two-three weeks. However, after that he would gladly come.

So now Vernon had to get rid of Marge as bosses and Marge didn't mix. Why was it always him with such rotten luck? It must be the Freak's fault so he would have to give him a good beating or two until Marge left. That was the answer and should cure his bad luck.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 4 – Ding Dong Deaths

It was the day before Harry's birthday and Marge was still there despite Vernon's efforts to get her "the help" and make her go home. Every lawyer he had talked with said the same thing. Marge had to clean up her act and do it fast otherwise she'd never get her license back and maybe even be barred from returning home as from the sounds of it the Board of Health was on the verge of condemning it based on their reports and the complaints of her neighbors.

So Vernon was drowning his sorrows with his sister, getting glared at by Petunia, avoided by the Freak (who apparently did know what was good for him) and getting through the day thinking about the good meals he was going to be having.

Like Vernon, Marge had gained some weight. She had broken one of their dining room chairs after having flopped on it in a fit of anger. However, all of her skirts had elastic, expandable waists and if a button popped off of her blouse she would simply give it to Petunia to fix or wear a pullover.

Since poor Marge was so depressed especially since the "evil, nasty, foreign, lay-abouts" looked to be winning, she needed more things to get her mind off of her problems and to cheer her up. Some Harry spent a lot of time mixing up those Southern drinks with the mint sprig in it and cooking and baking. Petunia spent her time trying to figure out how to pay for everything as Vernon was being more miserly than Marge yet still wanted to be eating the same as he had been since the Freak came home.

She had even asked Harry if he could use "the funny stuff" to get them the meat, dairy and liquid refreshment they needed. He had replied that no, she knew he couldn't do magic out of school and also that it was one of the laws of magic that you can't make up food.

"The best you can do is to 'conjure it' from someplace you know it is such as the kitchen. If you know there is a tin of biscuits in your kitchen, you can conjure it into your sitting room and eat it, but you can't make it out of thin air."

"Well then can you conjure a leg of lamb from the butcher shop?"

He sighed heavily saying, "You know I can't use magic out of school as I WILL BE EXPELLED. Then I would probably be arrested for stealing and thrown in jail. Besides, I haven't learned how to conjure yet. And before you ask, NO I CAN'T ASK DUMBLEDORE OR ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO DO IT FOR ME."

The best that Harry could come up with was to buy cheaper booze, since Marge wouldn't know the difference with as much as she drank, and buy smaller cuts of meat and cheaper ingredients. "Uncle Vernon will just have to go back to his 'old diet' while Marge is here," Harry said knowingly. "Either that or you have to get him to give you more money – or use your stashes."

"What stashes?" she blustered out.

"The stashes you have been hiding for years for your get-away fund. You know the one hidden in the garden shed, the one in the envelope behind the washing machine, the one…"

"How do you know about them – not that they exist."

"Because I do a lot of work around here," was the snarly reply. "I didn't go looking for them but I did accidentally find them while working. Just so you know, I think Dudley found the one in the guest room as I've seen him sneaking out of there twice last summer. Since Marge is living there you better move the stash because I can hear her snooping around the room."

"Also she does have the habit of taking _souvenirs_ home like the soap and shampoo so you better look into the box of tampons you _'hide so that Dudley doesn't see womanly things'_ on the top shelf of the linen closet. I don't think she can reach up that high but you really better check that spot and the other two."

Petunia would have given a sharp reply back and even a severe punishment but why bother at this point. She had to admit that she did make him clean in all of the hard to reach places so that was probably why he knew about the stashes. The fact that he hadn't stolen any of the money proved yet again that he was a good boy. All after she couldn't have complained about her "secret cache" being stolen, at least not to Vernon.

So she did the only thing possible since they were now in a mutual cause. "I'm taking Marge out to shop at the mall for a new blouse – or two or three – so while we are out, check the all of the stashes and see if the money is still there. Also remove the money from the guest room and hide it someplace safe."

Fortunately for Petunia, Marge hadn't found the stash in the guest room so Harry hid it in the bottom of the box of old Christmas decorations in the attic which they didn't use anymore but didn't throw out as they were bought for Dudders' first Christmas.

The only money which was missing from the stashes was the £700 out of the £1,200 which she had hidden under a lose floor board in Harry's "room" but not the loose board where he hid his contraband. Apparently that room contained four different lose floor boards but only two had been utilized.

Harry had finished some yard work, thrown in a few loads of laundry while Petunia and Marge were out and was just starting to prep the leg of lamb for dinner when the door slammed shut and he heard Marge grumbling and walking noisily up the stairs. Petunia came through the kitchen door and making sure it was shut went over to him and whispered angrily.

"I want the truth and I want it now. Have you killed anyone…lately?"

That statement surprised Harry as he certainly wasn't expecting to hear that come out of her mouth. So he answered truthfully. "Killed anyone? Well with the exception of offing old Voldie when I was a baby and accidentally turning a teacher who was trying to kill me into ash at the end of my first year at Hogwarts, I haven't killed anybody - lately."

Now it was Petunia's turn to be shocked as although she knew about "old Voldie" she knew nothing about Harry killing a anyone – and a teacher no less – and frankly she really didn't want to know but had had to ask because of what Mrs. Figg just told her.

"Well you better not consider doing so," she snapped back.

"Okay," he said back to her meekly with a look of pure innocence in his eyes. He didn't think it meant that her plan was going to be stopped but something was definitely up so he asked, "Why are you asking me that? Did someone die?"

Petunia sighed before whispering, "Old Mrs. Figg stopped us when we were getting out of the car just now – oh and there is shopping for you to bring in. We had heard at the mall that two teens were found dead in an alley behind the mall but the police said it was drugs that did them in."

"But old Figg told me it was Dudley's friend Malcolm and some floozy who were found stone cold dead this morning and both looked like they had died of fright. She told me I should be careful and not let you go roaming around at nights like you usually do because something evil was going around. Naturally Marge put her tuppence in and Figg told her she was fat and a drunk and then left in a huff."

"Well I didn't do it. Considering I haven't left the confines of this house since I got home except to go to the shops with you, you know I haven't been 'roaming around' as Mrs. Figg calls it."

"Is it some of your kind's…nonsense?"

"I haven't the slightest idea as I haven't heard from anyone, not even Dumbledore. Knowing Malcolm it was probably drugs. His 'crowd'," said Harry knowingly, "was said to be doing some designer stuff so I bet his heart just gave out and lots of people die with their eyes open. Mrs. Figg was probably just gossiping. Do you want me to make a casserole or a dessert for you to take to Malcolm's family?"

"No, not at the moment. I have to think on it a bit. Thanks to Figg I have to go pacify Marge even more. She only found one blouse that she could fit into and then expected me to buy it for her as 'she didn't have her charge card with her' but I told her neither did I and that I only had enough cash to buy food for tonight and tomorrow until Vernon gave me the shopping money. She was miffed at that but so what."

Harry had to stop and make Marge her lunch. They had had a pork roast for dinner last night and there was only enough left to make two sandwiches for Vernon and one big one for Marge's lunch. Therefore Harry would have to make the sandwich and find something else to feed the bottomless pit before she started munching on him or Petunia.

The news of Malcolm and the floozy's death was on the nightly news and blared over the TV as the Dursleys sat down to a modest dinner of a whole leg of lamb, candied, brandied, buttered carrots and parsnips, a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese (with bits of sausage mixed in), rolls, butter and a relish dish consisting of two tins of black olives and a jar of sweet pickles. Petunia was cleaning out the cupboards trying to save money and hoped the relish dish would fill them up.

Vernon felt bad that one of Dudley's best friends had died. Deep inside he knew it could have been his Dudders lying in the morgue instead of Malcolm but he refused to think about it. Instead he did his usual rant while sending some very dirty and knowing looks at Harry.

"Oh great. Some fool dies of a drug overdose and I get blamed," thought Harry. Fortunately for Harry, Petunia had 'read somewhere' that beer was good to drink with lamb or pork and Vernon had enjoyed a chance of pace last night with having a few beers and since there were some left he was finishing the case. Marge was helping him. It took more beers than they had left for Vernon to get drunk on beer so hopefully he wouldn't get any beatings from Vernon tonight.

Unless Vernon switched to hard liquor after all of the beer was gone. Vernon hadn't as he had a very important company meeting first thing tomorrow so he drank Coke. Marge was guzzling bourbon but since she had eaten a third of the lamb all by herself and half of the mac and cheese, she was drowsy. Harry had made her a large pizza to go with the sandwich so as long as she was happily sated he had a chance of surviving the night.

The next day was his birthday and in "honor" of the occasion he would be allowed the privilege of cooking a very good dinner for Vernon and Marge. He wouldn't be allowed to eat any of it, but he could cook, serve, watch, smell and clean up afterwards. Lucky him.

Marge wanted that lobster stuff he had made as well as the trifle. "But put more lobster in it as Vernon said it was very thin," she had ordered.

So Petunia had grudgingly bought six lobsters (they were small though) to satisfy Marge. Harry had to make the extra yolks homemade pasta again but the side dish had to be broccoli with a heavy cheese sauce. Marge had also suggested that they have a starter with the meal so Petunia had bought prawns and some avocadoes to make a prawn avocado "for color" and "There should be a cheese tray for afters as we never have a cheese tray," Marge had whined.

For some reason Vernon thought it was a good idea. He was trying to save money but he was also feeling strange about things. Hearing that Malcolm had died, Vernon started thinking about death and dying and decided he might live it up as much he could. The Dursley clan was known as being short lived people and Vernon and Marge's parents had both died fairly young of heart attacks for some strange reason.

He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was wrong and he was scared coming home that night which was why he had stopped off at the market and bought six different kinds of very expensive (and fattening) cheeses and some very good wine. He knew you were supposed to have white wine with fish but he felt like drinking red tonight. So he bought two bottles of red and two bottles of champagne and a box of good Belgium chocolates.

As usual, the food was gobbled up, especially the trifle, the wine was drunk, half of the cheeses were eaten and the chocolates started on when Marge had to open her big, fat mouth and start trouble.

She had heard from yet another solicitor concerning her case. Another idiot – who no doubt was taking bribes – told her that she had to make the changes and repairs to her property. If not, she would be banned from raising dogs as she would not get another license. She had cursed him out, made a few rude comments about his heritage and sexual prowess and screamed that he would not be seeing a penny of her hard earned money especially when he was definitely on the take and slammed the telephone receiver in his ear.

She had to pick on someone or something. The food was just too good to criticize and when Vernon had brought home the cheeses, and the expensive wine, champagne and chocolates just for her to cheer her up, she couldn't find fault with him or the old horse face he had married. But the Freak was here and it was always open season on the Freak. Besides the Freak had been treated far too well than he deserved this summer and must be properly put in his place.

So she decided to insult him, his mother, his father, that ruddy bird of his (who has a damn owl for a pet?) his sexual orientation (not that she knew or cared what his preference was), his stupidity, his looks, or lack of them, and anything that popped into her head. She had forgotten about the last time she had caused Harry to lose his temper because she had been obliviated, but Vernon and Petunia did not.

"Marge is right," snapped out Vernon. "We should have drowned the Freak the day he was dumped on us. I'm tired of looking at his ugly, stupid face. We need some more champagne so send him to the shop to get us some."

"And more brandy," added Marge, "you never have enough brandy and I bet it's because the Freak has been stealing it to drink or sell or get his floozies drunk."

Trying to stop a confrontation, as it might have been her imagination, but Petunia interrupted saying, "He can't buy liquor as he isn't of age. I'll go for a run and take him with me to carry the packages. That will get his disgusting presence away from you for a while."

With that said she motioned for him to follow her as she got her purse and keys and they drove off to the shops. The shops would be closing soon so Petunia decided to drive several miles to another town where most shops stayed open later and hopefully Vernon and Marge would be calmed down or passed out by the time they came back. Besides, Petunia was sick and tired of Marge Dursley and was asking Harry if his lot "had hit men and if so, how much did they charge."

The only hit men Harry knew about where the Death Eaters and he added, "They would gladly come and off Marge for free. Unfortunately they would do the same to the rest of us and then hunt down Dudley."

"Well that's one idea off the list," Petunia sighed. "Do you know of any way to get rid of her, even if it is just whisking her away to Timbuktu and leaving her there without a passport or her memory?"

Unfortunately Harry did not and there was no one he could ask. Therefore aunt and nephew spent the drive trying to think up feasible plots to at least get rid of Marge. It was the closest aunt and nephew ever came to a bonding experience. Come to think of it, it was the closest Petunia ever spent bonding with anyone over anything since…Lily.

Sad to say Petunia couldn't remember having a conversation with her own son about anything other than what he wanted and wanted now. He had never hugged her for the sake of hugging her, even when he was a child. He just took, took and then took some more, much like Vernon. That was one of the reasons she had started Vernon on "the diet" – to try and save her baby before it was too late to save him. And it wasn't working.

They had done a little food shopping while they were at it and in the better shops than their neighborhood provided. Between the shopping and the round trip drive they had wasted at least an hour and a half before they drove into the driveway. They went in the back way both carrying the bags containing their purchases.

Petunia left the kitchen to apologize to Vernon and Marge for taking so long while Harry put the shopping away. As she entered the living room the first thing she noticed was the front door being slightly opened. In a huff she went over and closed it then turned around to look at Vernon and Marge.

"HARRY" screamed his aunt. She never called him Harry even during the last few months when they had been on the best terms of their lives. Something must be wrong, so acting as a typical Gryffindor, he quickly and blindly ran into the living room where he saw Petunia standing frozen still with a look of horror on her face.

"What…what…what is…that?" she said in a shaky voice pointing towards the floor.

Harry looked and noticed Vernon lying on the floor with an expression of absolute horror and fear on his face. He saw Marge sitting akimbo in her chair wearing a look of puzzlement and anger. But the most strange and frightening thing of all was two Dementors, who were also lying on the floor and although it simply COULD NOT BE POSSIBLE, the Dementors were dead.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 5 – How the Hell Did That Happen?

Neither Harry nor Petunia had screamed, cried, shouted or fainted. They both just stood there for a moment or two before Petunia again asked, "What the hell are those…things?"

"Dementors," was the reply.

"You mean those thingies that guard your wizard prison?" asked Petunia.

Shocked Harry asked, "Yeah but how did you know that?"

"Oh that miserable boy told your mother and thus me as I just happened to be…."

"Spying?"

"No, yes, no – I was just coming into the room when he was telling her more about your world."

"You mean you knew my Dad. He was at your parents' house?"

"You mean Potter, James Potter?"

"Well duh, he is my dad."

"Are you sure," she asked innocently."

"OF COURSE I'M SURE," he yelled out insulted to his very core. "I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM."

"Well actually you don't. When you have those glasses off and you are asleep, you don't look like him. It's all in the glasses as that Dumbledore told us to get you glasses exactly like James Potter, why I don't know nor have I ever cared."

"In regard to looks, you not only have Lily's eyes you have her cheekbones, her skin tone and the same shaped ears, although her lobes were a bitter fatter, probably because she was a girl and could have pierced ears or at least that was what our Mum used to say."

"Besides, James Potter's hair was dark but not as black as your hair. If fact, he had the type of dark brown hair that only looks like it is black until you get up close and really look at it and are standing under a light in a certain way. But you have to be looking to notice it and then compare it to someone who really has black hair like Snape."

"WHO?"

"Snape. Severus Snape, the bane of my existence and the boy who told Lily she was a witch and then told her all about Hogwarts. He ingratiated himself into our family and my parents thought he was a 'nice boy' despite being the son of the proverbial town drunk who beat his wife and child."

"You knew Snape?"

"I just told you I did. He's the one who told Lily about these things which apparently Vernon and/or Marge managed to kill. Are they dead do you think?"

"No, Dementors can't die."

"I didn't mean those thingies, I mean Vernon and Marge."

Harry was starting to shake at the moment and he noticed that Petunia was also. No doubt they were both in shock and her telling him about Snape was just to change the subject. So taking a deep breath he decided to channel his inner Hermione and replied, "Dementors don't kill people, they just suck out their soul."

"Well they look dead to me," Petunia said shakily. "Go see if they are."

"The name's Potter not Dr. Harry."

"Just do it! You got the highest grade in the CPA test your last year at primary school."

"That doesn't qualify me to give a medical opinion."

"DO IT!"

There had been a mandatory first aid lecture in their primary school. They learned a few basics like taking a pulse, performing CPR, taking a temperature, etc. Only Harry and two other kids managed to perform CPR correctly. Dudley and his gang had been the worse ones with Dudley nearly breaking off the arm of the practice dummy. His excuse was that "he was setting a broken arm" when he had merely been trying to cause as much damage as possible to get out of attending the seminar.

Usually the Dursleys punished Harry for doing well but for this once he had not been beaten because even Vernon thought that knowing CPR was useful. Dudley and the gang had cornered Harry and broken his arm daring him to now perform that "hitting thing" he was being praised for.

Oh well Harry did know how to check for a pulse and did so if only to calm Petunia down a bit. He felt the neck vein, the wrist and even got a mirror and held it under both Dursleys' noses to check for a breath. Yep, they were dead all right and so, apparently, were the Dementors.

All Harry wanted to do now was to get on his broom and fly off to be anywhere in the world except Privet Drive or Magical Britain. Why do these things happen to him?

All he really knew that no matter how or why it happened, even though he wasn't anywhere near Privet Drive and had Petunia for an alibi, HE WAS GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.

"We have to get rid of those thingies," said Petunia disrupting his train of thought. "We can always say they had a heart attack but we'll never be able to explain those things."

She was right but Harry was still trying to figure out how the "thingies" could be dead. Hermione had thoroughly researched Dementors as soon as possible after meeting them on the train third year. As usual she shared her research despite Ron bragging that he already knew all there was about Dementors. Harry had replied, "Well I don't and I think I should know about them."

Ron had tried to distract him, as usual, but Harry's near death experience and badly shaken him and he stood up to Ron for once and walked off with Hermione to hear her lecture. Ron had followed and kept interrupting until Harry whipped out his wand and stunned Ron much to Hermione's shock and, if the truth be known, admiration.

He knew that Ron would retaliate but at least Harry would find out something he needed to know. He did, however, take the precaution of telling the Twins his version of the story so that Ron couldn't run and tell them a tale to get them to "prank" Harry like Ron usually did.

Therefore, unless Hermione's research was wrong (not likely) Dementors could not be killed. But how did it happen? Where Vernon and Marge's souls so messed up that they poisoned the creatures? Since Dementors used to be used to execute vile criminals and dark wizards, he doubted that even Vernon and Marge were worse than people like Voldie. But you never know!

Maybe Dementors couldn't handle such a high cholesterol or sugar level. Maybe booze disagreed with them. Hermione would have a new thing to research, at least after she told him in no uncertain terms that Dementors couldn't be killed. Hopefully it would make the _Daily Prophet_ so it couldn't be covered up.

His revelry was interrupted by Petunia screeching, "Will you listen to me? Get some of the big yard bags and stuff these thingies in some – you better triple bag them – and hide them in the garden shed."

"I'm not going to touch them!"

"Well I'm certainly not going to. They will probably expel you from that school if we try to explain to the police what they are – what you really are. Aren't there laws against that?"

There were so Harry found himself getting the triple strength trash bags, putting one into one then into a third and attempting to stuff dead Dementors into the bags. Things were not working out very well and Petunia was of no help. She was busy running up and down the stairs turning lights on, waiting a while then turning them off. She was trying to set up the alibi which she explained to Harry as he was trying to use a snow shovel to push one of the creatures into the bags.

"I went out to pick up a few things we ran out of. I took you with me because you had been annoying Marge with your sass. When we came back, we found them talking, drinking and watching the telly. I sent you to bed and I went up shortly thereafter after chatting with Vernon about what he wanted for breakfast and lunch tomorrow."

"They had eaten a very large meal, had drank a lot and after I went up to bed, I heard them arguing over politics but then I fell asleep. I was concerned as Marge had been having some very bad personal problems which we had been trying to help her with. She could get violent when she was angry but when she drank, I didn't want to be near her or you either as you always pushed her buttons the wrong way which is why I took you out last night."

"Why blame me?"

"Why not," she sighed. "Besides it was those thingies who killed them and they are from your world ergo it is your fault. Probably. Now repeat the story back to me."

So he did. She then decided to add that she had taken a sleeping pill – not that he would know that – and he always slept like a log hence them not hearing anything once they fell asleep.

"I came down to make breakfast and found them just like they are now, I will say. Then I screamed and since you had finally woke up you came running down to see why I was screaming. You then will call the police because I am so very upset that I couldn't do it and they will hear me crying in the background."

They hoped the police would believe that Vernon had a heart attack. He may or may not have gotten out of his chair to fight with Marge or just to get help and that was why he was lying on the floor with that strange bewildered look on his face. Petunia would point out to the police that the look was one of bewilderment so that they wouldn't think he had been scared to death at seeing the thingies.

"Muggles can't see Dementors" Harry added remembering Hermione's thorough search "So why can you?"

"I don't know. I can also see the entrance to that pub that leads to that shopping place your lot goes to. I don't know – or care – why."

"Well…since they are Muggles," Harry stated "They probably couldn't see them, so the Dementors probably opened the door and Vernon got up to see why the door opened and was immediately attacked."

"Again, I don't care" Petunia spat out. "Now, to continue what we will say, Marge was probably drunk as a lord and when she saw her beloved only brother die, she too had had a heart attack but had remained seated in her chair as some people do. Hence the look of shock and anger on her face because she was mad her brother died before she was finished speaking."

That sounded like a fairly good explanation to Harry but what did he know? It might make sense to Muggles _but in his world_ , many things could happen. Maybe Voldie had dropped by when they had been out. He cast the killing curse on Marge and Vernon and then Dementors showed up for some reason and he, being Voldie the big, bad, but super talented dark wizard from hell, could and did kill them. Hermione would argue about it with him but Hermione wasn't there now was she.

The snow shovel wasn't working as the Dementors were too big to shovel or stuff into a trash bag no matter how big it was. Therefore, the bodies would have to be broken and then stuffed into the bag. The only help Petunia was giving was telling what to do as she certainly wasn't going to touch those disgusting creatures even if they were dead.

Harry tried breaking up the bodies with the shovel but it only bent. So he went down to the basement using a torch – for the alibi – and got Vernon's strongest hammer, a crowbar, a spike and a few other things to break up the bodies and started working.

Damn those things had strong bones. It was long and tedious work and took Harry nearly the entire night. The only other help Petunia gave him was to prepare more triple bags because one Dementor was too big to fit into a trash bag. They averaged using three bags each so at the end of the rendering, there were six large trash bags and two smaller regular green trash bags lying in the living room. They had run out of the yard bags and the smaller bags had to be used for the debris and little pieces of Dementor dust and "stuff" littering the room.

Harry was then tasked to take the bags out of the house and hide them in the garden shed. It was nearing dawn and he had to fetch his invisibility cloak and throw it over him and the bags and carry them out to the shed. He had to carry and not drag as that would leave a mark on the lawn and it was bad enough his footprints could be seen. At least he had done some yard work yesterday so hopefully the yard wouldn't reflect the gruesome task he was doing.

It took him a little over an hour to get it all done due to it being slow and heavy work. After he came in the house Petunia had finished her work. She had gone up to the bedroom, and rolled around in the bed to make it seem like it had been slept in. She then changed her clothes and made Harry put on his "nightclothes" as he would have come running down to aid his aunt and didn't have time to change into his regular clothes.

While Harry was doing that Petunia risked vacuuming the living room of any debris still left. When she was satisfied that all evidence was done away with, she made Harry empty the vacuum bag and take one last trash bag out to the shed and then clean the tools of any "devil dust" as she called it.

They were both exhausted and were still in shock but it was now show time. They took their places and the day began.

The police and ambulance arrived after receiving Harry's frantic call. He answered the door and led them in and then went back to caring for his dear aunt who was in the kitchen away from that terrible, terrible scene and was to be found sitting on a chair crying profusely.

The police were very gentle and understanding and Harry acted as the concerned nephew helping his Aunt tell the story when she faltered and giving moral support. He even made coffee for the policemen and strong, sweet tea for his Auntie.

The bodies were taken away and the medics left some pills for Petunia's "nerves." Once everything was finished up, the police gave their condolences and they too left as Petunia had a lot to do with calling Vernon's work, arranging for the funeral, telling their friends about the deaths, etc.

It wasn't until the police and ambulance drove away and the last of the "concerned neighbors" had been pushed out of the door, that Harry and Petunia could collapse, catch their breath and figure out how the hell they were going to get rid of the Dementor bodies.

"It's not like we can put them out in the trash," Harry stated. "There are six big bags and three smaller but still large bags and people would notice all of the bags and call the police."

"Well you will just have to sneak them out at night and dump them somewhere."

"WHERE? It's not like I'm getting rid of debris from a wild party that I don't want my parents to know about – like the one Piers had last year when Dudley stayed overnight and he came home sick _from the lousy food Piers' mother made_ ," Harry just had to sneak into the conversation. Dudley kept vomiting and poor Harry had to clean it up.

"Well it's not like we can put the bags into the trunk of the car and drive off. It would be too noticeable and we'd have to make too many trips. Can't you contact your lot?"

"I've told you, no one has written to me and Hedwig hasn't come back for weeks. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I can't contact anyone until they contact me and that mightn't be until school starts and I get driven to the station."

Since there was so much to do, they dropped the matter. Petunia had to call Grunnings to give them the news. She asked if they could be kind enough to inform Vernon's work friends and best clients so they could come to the funeral. She would be making the arrangements after she made a few more necessary calls and would get back to them later in the day regarding the time and place.

She called the Vicar and gave him the sad news. Then she called the "most popular funeral home" and made an appointment to come in later that day to make arrangements. She then left Harry the chore of calling the Major and telling him of Marge's death and to find out the names of her friends.

She took a shower and changed her clothes and then called Vernon's solicitor to make other necessary arrangements. She asked if he could arrange for Dudley to come home for the funeral and the solicitor said he would try but couldn't promise anything due to the nature of Dudley's "sickness" and his treatment.

Petunia left for the appointment with the funeral director while Harry stayed to do his normal chores and to receive the many funeral gifts of food and sympathy which no doubt the neighbors would be bringing. Petunia had only been gone for five minutes when the vultures descended to get more detailed dirt on the deaths.

The first to arrive had been old Mrs. Figg, who looked as if she wanted to talk to Harry in private but was unable to do so due to the arrival of Mrs. No. 8 who came in bearing a store bought cake. Had Petunia been there she would have commented to Harry on the sly that not only was it a store bought cake but it was too small for a proper funeral gift and one of the cheapest brands. She would have said "I always cook or bake something from scratch when I take a funeral gift" while Harry would have added under his breath "Or have me do it when I am home."

The neighbors had swarmed on Harry thinking that he would crumble under the weight of their adult authority and spill "some secrets" but he acted polite and only repeated what he had told the police. Most left disappointed but vowing it was not the end and they would soon find out all of the juicy details.

Petunia arrived home when only Mrs. No. 1 (the biggest gossip next to Petunia) and Mrs. Figg were still there. Harry had been very busy serving tea, coffee and cake (one that he had made which Marge hadn't found yet), biscuits and some bread and butter squares to the neighbors and he had just been forced to finally serve the cheap store bought one when Petunia came dragging in grief etched on her face.

She and Mrs. No. 1 started a conversation while Mrs. Figg tried to make her way over to Harry but Petunia was having none of it. She told Harry he should have a shower and change his clothes as they would be going out again. Thus Mrs. Figg was thwarted in her quest to find out what had happened so she could report back to Dumbledore.

Much to Harry's surprise, Petunia drove him to the Leaky Cauldron. Not only did she know its location but she finally revealed to him that she was a Squib. "So were my parents. We just always kept it quiet because my father said it would be safer that way. He never went into details and actually refused to talk about it. That is why I know where this place is and can see it."

They had driven past it and parked in a nearby parking garage. Then Petunia took Harry and bought him some new clothes which would actually fit him. She bought him something to wear out of the store instead of Dudley's old rags. She even sprang for some new underwear, a new pair of shoes and a cheap suit as she wanted him to look decent for the funeral. They left the suit and underwear in the car.

Then surprisingly she bought him a cheap blond wig, which she made him put on. The bangs covered his scar. She put on a large straw hat and sunglasses and then they headed to the Leaky Cauldron. Just before they entered she made him take off his glasses. They went in and she walked right up to Tom the bartender and asked him to let them in the alley since her son couldn't use his wand during the summer.

They headed to Gringotts. "I always knew you had a trust vault as one of the last letters Lily sent to me – which I didn't answer – was to announce your birth and brag that you had a trust vault set up by your late paternal grandfather shortly before he died. Said it contained 100,000 galleons and would be used for your education. Bet you that is where Dumbledore has been getting all that money from as according to Lily, every year 12,000 galleons would be added to the vault for your upbringing if she and James were to die."

Harry thought the Dursleys were getting money to care for him but never had proof. Petunia had now let it slip so perhaps he could find out more about his finances. Occasionally Neville had a chat with him without Ron and/or Hermione lurking about and he had mentioned that Harry's family had been very, very wealthy and there had to be a vault or two which he would inherit when he became of age.

They went in, got in line and asked the Goblin assigned to them how they could access a trust vault if "some old meddling coot had taken the key for safekeeping."

"Ah you must mean that Headmaster Dumbledore has it. Which orphan with a trust vault is this young man." Although Goblins could see through glamours they didn't notice Muggle items such as wigs, hence the need to ask.

"Don't you do a blood test or something," snapped Petunia.

"For a small fee. Do you have galleons or will you be using Muggle money as the test must be paid for in advance?

Harry knew about the outrageous currency exchange rates due to Hermione complaining about it. Since his Aunt had actually sprung for new clothes for him, he decided to help her out and said quietly, "I'm Harry Potter, Griphook and you know it so you can take the fee out of my account. I do need a new key and, if possible, could the lock or whatever you use be changed so that only my new key will work in my vault."

Griphook was shocked that a wizard, and Harry Potter of all wizards, recognized him. With a slight smile (or what passed for a smile from a Goblin) he said yes that was possible. The test was given, a new key was made and a bottomless bag was purchased so that Harry did not need to come into Gringotts when he needed cash.

"Has anybody taken money out of his account these past few weeks other than the £1,200 a month sent to Harry's guardians?"

Griphook raised an eyebrow before replying, "To my knowledge 1,000 **galleons** a month is taken out by Albus Dumbledore, only part of which is in Muggle currency. If you are only receiving £1,000 a month please know that is currently worth 200 galleons. Thus, 800 galleons a month, or roughly £4,000 a month is going somewhere else."

"Put a stop to that," snapped Harry. "I want it stopped immediately. You can send £1,000 directly to my Aunt at…"

"We got a raise the other year. We are getting £1,200 a month, but Vernon has been telling me we were only getting £500 a month until the raise and are now receiving £700 a month. But I knew, I always did as Vernon comes down first on the first of the month to take half out. However, I've come down and look every so often and know what we really were getting."

"How very interesting," announced a grinning Griphook. "We can arrange for your new key but very soon Molly Weasley will be coming to the bank to get money to buy your school supplies. Just so you know, you spend 1,000 galleons every year on school supplies. You must get a lot of pocket money."

"I don't. Please just make the proper arrangements and send me a bank statement."

"But you have been getting a quarterly statement since January 1982. Of course they have been sent to Albus Dumbledore who is your magical guardian, as any and all of your mail has been since you were orphaned."

"Looks like we are going to have to come back and have a few discussions after the funeral," Harry said. An appointment was made to return to discuss Harry's _accounts_ the day after Vernon's funeral.

Just as they were leaving Petunia asked "Is that place in the 'evil alley' that sells unregistered wands still in existence?"

"If you mean Baldini's wands, yes, it still exists but I suggest you purchase some robes before heading to that store."

"We plan to when we leave here. Is there an eye doctor here or do we have to go to that hospital?"

Griphook gave them the name and directions to both the optometrist and the wand store. They left Gringotts, stopped at Madam Malkin's for some cheap off the rack robes for the two of them then headed to the optometrist.

"I would have taken you to a proper eye doctor but Vernon wouldn't hear of it. Said it was too expensive. Besides you had to wear the exact same type of glasses as James Potter did. They were hard to find especially in a charity bin."

Harry had his first real eye exam. He got fitted with magical contact lenses and could see completely clear for the first time in memory. He was told to come back every six months for a checkup.

Harry wanted to get an extra wand after the incident in the graveyard and once without the trace so that he could do magic on the sly when not in school.

They had just enough time to head to Knockturn Alley just as the sun was setting. The wand shop was found and Harry was fitted with a wand guaranteed not to have a trace on it and bought a wand holster. He asked and was informed that were he to be discovered with a wand without a student trace on it, the worse that _could_ or _**should**_ happen was that he would be fined 100 galleons and be given a warning. For a fee, the wand maker cast a spell on the ebony and trestle hair wand to make it look like his holly and phoenix feather wand. He bought another wand holster just to have in reserve.

They had spent over an hour in the wand shop and thus hurried out of Knockturn Alley as fast as they could as the regular habitués were starting to come out "to shop" and it was not the safest place for a Squib and Harry Potter.

Originally they had planned to rent a post owl and send a message to Dumbledore concerning the dead Dementors, but after the "talk" with Griphook, Harry wanted to rethink that idea. He had another plan.

They stopped off for pizza on the way home. Then Harry asked Petunia to drive to a deserted stretch of woods just outside Surrey. He then got out of the car and checking that no one was around he called out "Dobby" and waited for the elf to answer his call.

Nothing happened so he tried again, waited five minutes and tried once more but nothing happened.

"What are you doing and who is this Dobby person?"

"Remember the summer before my second year when the Masons were over for dinner and that lovely cake I had worked so hard on baking was dropped on Mrs. Mason's head and…"

"How could I ever forget?"

"Well it really wasn't me who did it as, contrary to popular belief I do not have a death wish. It was Dobby, a house elf, who was trying to save my life in his own way. He nearly killed me a few times but it was all to protect me from something much worst."

"What could be worse than dying?"

"Lots of things especially in my world. However, Dobby meant well and just before…"

There was a loud pop and Winky the house elf appeared.

"Harry Potter, Harry Potter," she began, "Dobby cannot come to Harry Potter's aid because, because…well because Headmaster says Dobby is not to help or contact Harry Potter for Greater Good. But Dobby wants to help the Great Harry Potter who he knows must be in bad trouble since his bad uncle is dead but Dumbledore says no. Harry Potter must stay at hellhole and that is that until he is rescued by the Great Albus Dumbledore."

"Oh really," replied Harry. "Tell me Winky did Dobby send you to help me since he cannot?"

"Oh yes Great Harry Potter. Dobby must obey Headmaster as long as he works at Hogwarts. To work at Hogwarts to be near Harry Potter, Dobby must first swear on elf magic never to bond with Harry Potter because it is not in Headmaster's great plan."

"But I thought Dobby wanted to be a free elf?"

"No Dobby just wanted to be free from the bad Malfoys. A house elf must work in a magical place to keep their magic and to not go crazy."

"Did Dobby bond to Dumbledore or to Hogwarts?"

"Dobby, like Winky, did not bond to either. Weese just get to work at Hogwarts and keep our magic and not go crazy. Dobby can never bond with Harry Potter but he can bond with other wizard or witch. He could then help Harry Potter since he would obey new master/mistress and not Headmaster."

"So Dobby could bond and be free if he bonded with Hermione Granger or…"

"Accckkk. No elf would ever bond with Harry Potter's Grangy – she gives good elves clothes."

"Okay maybe that was a bad choice. What about you Winky? Could you bond with me?"

Winky nearly fainted but instead jumped up and down, pulled on her ears, banged her head on the ground and made funny noises until Harry asked, "Is that a no?"

The elf immediately snapped to attention and said, "Oh no Harry Potter. That would be the greatest honor possible for any elf but why would Harry Potter want to bond with a…a bad elf such as Winky?"

Harry realized this was going to end up a disaster house elf style and drag on and on and he just didn't have the time. Also he was totally exhausted as he had been up at 5 a.m. the day before and hadn't slept since. Petunia had been up since 7 a.m. and she had lost her husband (even though she had wanted to), had to put on the act of her life, make arrangements and then take Harry shopping. She still had to drive home and they had the problem to take care of first.

"Winky, give me a simple yes or no answer. Do you want to bond with me and not have to worry about serving Dumbledore? Also can Dobby bond with someone else and not have to obey Dumbledore?"

"YES and YES" was the reply.

So Harry Potter bonded with Winky the house elf. He then introduced Petunia and asked that since she was Harry's aunt, if she called Winky could Winky help her? The answer had been yes so it was on to the next question.

Harry found out that house elf magic could not be traced unless the elf wanted it to be like Dobby had done to get Harry in trouble in order to save him. Hooray – the Dementor problem could be solved. Then Harry asked if Dobby would mind bonding with a special secret friend of Harry's and after, giving the name of the friend, Winky said any of the Hogwarts elves would be honored to be bonded with such a wonderful witch. So now the Dobby problem was solved.

Then Winky got in the car and Petunia finished driving them home. Winky found out what her first assignment was going to be as Harry Potter's elf. Once they arrived home, Winky would be disillusion herself and follow them in the house. Then once she memorized her location she would go out to the shed in the garden and take the six very large green bags and the three smaller bags away and hide them in a very safe place where no one would find them, especially a Muggle.

They arrived home and Winky went to the shed to complete her task. She never asked what was in the bags as a good elf never would question their master. She then went back to Hogwarts and told Dobby to bond with whom Harry Potter had asked him to. So he did.

Meanwhile Petunia and Harry collapsed onto their respective beds and slept the first truly peaceful sleep either of them had had in years.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 6 – We've Been Robbed

Delores Umbridge was worried. She had found a way to solve the "Potter problem" and had set everything in motion. There was no way her plan could fail as either Potter would be kissed and thus soulless and his body allowed to wither away and die or he would be caught and expelled and cast out of the Magical World and once again the problem would be solved.

But something had apparently gone wrong as the pair of Dementors which she had sent to do the job had not returned. Three days ago they should have slipped quietly back into the Ministry without anyone being the wiser. But they had not. Instead they had either disappeared or the boy couldn't be found so they were still looking for him.

That had to be the answer. A Dementor would not return until its mission had been completed so Dumbledore probably had Potter hidden away in some secret lair. But no matter, he would be found eventually as he would need to do his school shopping and as soon as he came out in the open, they would get him.

Meanwhile no one would miss the Dementors as there were no trials scheduled and no one went near a Dementor unless they absolutely had to – such as people who were conducting an inventory.

And that was what had happened. The DMLE was conducting an inventory and searched for the Dementors. They couldn't be found by the novice Aurors so a senior Auror had angrily dragged the fools to where the Dementors were kept at the Ministry. They were gone. The senior Auror was worried as there was no record stating where the Dementors had gone.

Amelia Bones was alerted. This was very serious business. Azkaban was checked and all their Dementors were presented and accounted for. The Ministry was searched from top to bottom and no sign was found. The three control bracelets were searched for and one was found to be missing, so another massive search was begun.

Naturally Delores hadn't signed out the bracelet…to be safe. She had found out early enough what was going on to be able to hide the bracelet outside the Ministry and her home. Since the trace on the bracelet had been disabled, it could not be found, especially since she had taken the added precaution of sealing it in a magical box. The first opportunity she got, she snuck out late one night and threw the box into the sea where no one would ever find it.

Unless you were a Muggle skin diver who found a very unusual box while diving and took it back with him. He couldn't get it open and would eventually take it to a friend of his in the Army who would pass it on to a specialist. But that was in the future after other events had taken place so it didn't matter. It only served to prove that some days nothing goes right for anybody.

While the Ministry was running around looking for rouge Dementors, Petunia was burying her husband and sister-in-law. Dudley had not been allowed to go to the funeral because he was misbehaving and fighting tooth and nail to escape. He had been so very spoiled and used to having his own way that he was refusing to help himself and cooperate. He wanted his sweets, fats, salts and "other things" he had become used to, but he was not getting them. Since he was considered an escape risk, he would not be allowed to leave not even for a family funeral.

Petunia had been crushed as she was hoping that Dudley had been coping and doing well and would soon be on the road to recovery. Without Vernon's bad influence he could turn his life around and become a son she could finally be proud of. But it wasn't working out that way. It was estimated that it would take a lot longer than usual considering Dudley's attitude and state of ill-health.

The funerals were disappointing. Marge had very few friends and only the Major and the Vicar came the distance to pay their respects.

Naturally several Grunnings employees came and two of Vernon's best clients. The female neighbors of Privet Drive came but not their husbands as they wouldn't take off work for the likes of Vernon Dursley.

Harry stayed by Petunia's side. It was remarked by more than one person that he was "her rock" and much better behaved than her real son. It was also noted that he looked rather smart dressed in clothes which actually fit him for once, even though they were of a very cheap material.

A small reception was held at a local restaurant to give refreshment to those who had come a long way. The clients and employees would expect nothing less. The attendees were fewer than were expected, but Petunia had made arrangements with the restaurant to pay by the head. Petunia used her credit card to pay for everything.

It had been an exhausting three days but it was finally over. Petunia found that she could not settle into the bed she had shared with Vernon for all those years. So she strip down and remade the bed in the guest room. Maybe she'd stay there for a while or at least until she bought a new bedroom suite. Due to Vernon's weight they had to buy a new mattress and box spring set every few years and this was the third bedroom suite they had since they were married.

She had already spoken with the Vicar about donating Vernon's clothes to a worthy charity. She would have to do the same with Marge's things as Vernon had been the executor of her Will and now that he was gone, it would fall to Petunia to close down Marge's house and business. She would have to ask advice from the solicitor if Marge's property should be brought up to code or sold as is.

At least all of the work would give her something to do especially once those people collected Harry. They usually did about this time and always without warning. Who knew, maybe she should just sell the house and start anew somewhere else away from all of the awful memories that had been her marriage.

Like that Scarlett O'Hara person she would just think about it tomorrow because tomorrow was another day.

Meanwhile Harry could not settle down either. He was thinking about his friends and the information he had found out about concerning Dumbledore being his magical guardian or something like that. He considered asking the Goblins if there was such a thing in the Magical World as a solicitor and if it would be worth his time and money to acquire one to fight against Dumbledore. It would probably be a waste as despite Fudge's attempt to discredit Dumbledore, the old wizard was still a powerful force and eventually got what he wanted.

Another thing which worried Harry was the fact that somehow Dementors had come to Privet Drive. If he and Petunia had not been out of the house it would be they who were dead and not Vernon and Marge. Well maybe the four of them would have died but Harry didn't know how many souls a Dementor could suck out in one sitting. In any event he knew for certain that it had been him they had been after.

Which brought up the next question, how had the Dementors gotten into the house? Did they knock and Vernon had gone to the door to see who was there and inadvertently let them in like one had to do with a vampire? Didn't the blood wards protect Harry from all types of evil?

Winky had said that Dumbledore knew that Vernon had died. How? As far as Harry knew only the Muggle police were involved. Did Dumbledore have someone spying on Harry like he did at Hogwarts?

Ah yes Winky. Harry wondered if she was asleep or if she would answer his call anytime during the day or night. He felt bad about calling her but was bored and wanted answers so he decided to find out.

She popped into his room within mere seconds of his call.

"I hope I didn't wake you Winky but I need some information."

She started doing the "house elf babble" as Harry called it. When she was finished he asked the question again. He was informed that Dobby had "disappeared from Hogwarts and no one knew where he had gone." Since no one had asked Winky, she hadn't volunteered any information. She hadn't visited him so as far as she knew he could have gone anywhere.

"You mentioned that Dumbledore knew my uncle had died. How did he found out?"

"Winky does not know. Dobby told Winky only because Dumbledore had ordered Dobby not to respond to Harry Potter if he called Dobby. Dumbledore only said that Harry Potter's uncle was dead and Harry Potter needed to stay where he was until Dumbledore allowed him to be fetched."

Winky could tell him nothing else about the matter. He started asking her some other questions about the many things he didn't know about the Magical World but suddenly Winky tensed up.

"What's wrong Winky?"

"Winky feels magic being done outside of the house. Should Winky check to see what it is?"

He consented and she popped out of his room. A moment later she popped in nearly hysterical. "Harry Potter and his Aunt must leave as there are bad wizards in the street."

"Then get my Aunt Petunia and pop her to a place of safety but not Hogwarts. Then come back for me please. I need to get my cloak and wand."

Winky popped away, grabbed a sleeping Petunia and popped her to safety. Petunia woke up with a start to find herself not in a bed but in a dark room in what must be somebody's living room. Naturally she let out a scream.

A moment later she heard a popping sound and saw her nephew and that funny creature he had "bonded with" who had gotten rid of those thingies for them.

"What's happening?"

"Death Eaters," he said. "Thanks for saving us Winky. Where are we and can you put on the lights?"

The room lit up and Harry saw they were in a cottage with a combination living/dining room. It had a homey lived-in look but not like the Weasley home. The furniture was old but in good condition and was of much better quality than the mismatch of the Weasley home. It was also a lot cleaner.

"This place be the place where Winky's late mistress' old auntie lived until she died. She left it to mistress who left it to…to Master Barty, Jr. Now no one uses it but Winky comes now and then to clean the house and see to the garden. It is also the place where Winky took the big bags Master Harry tell Winky to hide and keep safe."

Both Harry and Petunia became a bit unnerved upon hearing that bit of information.

"The bags aren't in the house are they?" Harry asked.

"Oh no Master. Winky put the bags in the garden shed in this place since bags were in garden shed at Privet Drive."

Both Harry and Petunia let out a sigh of relief. The last thing they needed now was seeing the Dementor corpses again.

Petunia asked for a cup of tea to settle her nerves and with a pop of her fingers a tea tray appeared on the table in front of Petunia. Petunia could get use to this. She played "mother" and poured tea for Harry and then made the mistake of asking the elf if she wanted a cup.

The creature started acting like a mad woman (elf?). Harry did a quick explanation about the behavior of house elves as he tried calming the elf down. Harry then changed the subject and asked Winky what the Death Eaters had been doing.

"Oh it was not those Death Eaters Winky saw."

"But you said there were bad wizards so I thought…"

"There are many bad wizards and witches. Some are Death Eaters and some are not. They are still baddies whether they wears masks or dress as Aurors. Sometimes Headmaster is a bad wizard just like Professor Snape is sometimes good wizard and sometimes bad wizard."

"Snape," snapped Harry. "You were going to tell me how you knew Snape."

"Oh him. Well we were neighbors of a sort. Lily and he went to the same primary school. We had just moved to Cokesworth but since it was the summer, we hadn't started school yet. I was two years ahead of Lily but he was her age. He was spying on Lily and me when we were playing in the park. She did some of her mumbo jumbo and he jumped out of nowhere and told her she was a witch. For some reason she decided she liked him and they became as thick as thieves."

She took a sip of her tea before saying, "Mum thought that they would get married someday – to each other – and Dad agreed." Petunia didn't have to wait to see the reaction she knew she'd get from Harry.

He choked on his tea and screamed out his disbelief.

"Actually they started going together after their fourth year. They didn't openly date at that school because of all the trouble with them being in different houses. Than for some reason at the end of their fifth year they broke up. She wouldn't even speak to him. His mother – who was the magical one in the family – told Mum that Lily must have been spelled or potioned but Mum refused to let Lily be tested and even told Mrs. Snape to never darken her door again or she'd call the police."

"Snape and…my Mum?" asked a disbelieving Harry.

"Naturally I was delighted as I always felt that Sev took Lily away from me by telling her she was a witch. I know it wasn't true but it was the excuse I used to explain it all. Besides I never thought he was good enough for her. Oh he was smart and ambitious and it was plain to see that he adored her, but I was so glad they broke up because I thought that I'd…get my little sister back."

Petunia drained the cup and said, "If I have to admit it, I think that Mrs. Snape was right. Lily acted strange and with uncharacteristic anger. I never saw such a drastic change in a person. She went from being his best friend and girlfriend to hating him with a passion. I for one wouldn't be surprised if some spell or hex thingie had been placed on her."

"At least for all his faults, he was much better than James Potter. Sev respected Lily and would have died for her. James was, how do I say this? He was a worse bully than Dudley ever was to you. He was arrogant and cocky and walked around with a superior attitude like he owned the world and was doing Lily a favor by even looking at her."

"Dad hated him. He didn't want Lily to marry him at all. We could all remember Lily coming home every summer telling us just how bad these Marauders were and James Potter and Sirius Black were the worse of the lot. They did many cruel things to Lily and her friends and everybody else, especially Snape, and that Dumbledore let them get away with EVERYTHING. Lily told us about some of the things they did and we were all shocked."

"Then during Lily's seventh year she suddenly did a complete about face and it was James this and James that. He graced us with his presence to do the old meet the family routine and he brought Black with him. When he thought no one was looking that bastard who you adore so much actually pinched Mum on the bum. He laughed and told her that she liked it even after she slapped his face."

"I don't want to hear any more about this," snapped Harry.

"I am not lying," Petunia replied. "Find me a bible and I'll swear on it. But I will stop as I can see why you wouldn't want to know. No boy or girl wants to hear bad things about their parents, even if it is true. Besides I am now tired enough to sleep so I guess we should stay here until the morning at least."

"Winky could you pop back please and see what is going on," asked Harry.

Winky popped out and was gone for a moment but then suddenly reappeared in a state of true hysterics.

"The house Master, the house," the elf gasped out.

"What about the house?" Petunia asked.

"It is gone. The house it is gone as are the houses next to it. Winky thinks it was fiendfyre as Winky can feel dark magic. Someone has tried to kill Master Harry and his Auntie."

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 7 – Reunions

The Ministry had to get involved in this. Fiendfyre had been used to destroy several Muggle homes with one of them being the house where Harry Potter grew up in. As far as anyone knew, he and his Aunt Petunia had been in the house.

Arabella Figg, the Squib who Dumbledore had placed near Harry Potter to watch and report on him saw the fire begin and immediately flooed to the new Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. She was not supposed to go to Headquarters or even contact it unless it was a true emergency but fiendfyre was always an emergency.

It was very late and only two people were awake. Remus Lupin was having a chat with Auror Tonks one of the newest members of the Order as well as being Sirius' cousin. The hysterical woman still dressed only in her nightie, robe and slippers emerged from the floo yelling that fiendfyre was being used on Privet Drive and she thought Harry Potter's house had been burnt.

Naturally they followed her back to her home and went to investigate. The woman was elderly and hopefully had only had a very bad dream. There was no sense in waking anybody else until they proved the story wrong.

But she had not been dreaming. Tonks ran to the scene only to see that Aurors had already arrived and were trying to control the fire before it spread to other houses. She identified herself and asked if she could help. She was told to "see to the Muggles" meaning help them to escape but don't let them get completely away until they could be interrogated by Aurors and obliviated.

Remus Lupin just stood in the middle of the street, tears falling from his tired eyes. How could this have happened? How could Dumbledore have let it happen? How would he break the news to Sirius?

Sirius had only come back to England because Dumbledore said he could have more access to Harry and get to know his godson better. If they could use his family home for headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius could safely return, help with the war effort and bond with his godson in safety for both himself and Harry.

Sirius had agreed, the Fidelius was cast and Dumbledore took over. He had moved the Weasley Family into Headquarters so that the house could be put into shape and so that Harry's friends would be waiting for him when he had recharged the wards enough to be allowed to leave Privet Drive. But Dumbledore had to be the one who made the decision and he decided it was too early yet for the boy to come to Headquarters.

Much to Sirius' anger and disgust, Dumbledore kept refusing to give his permission. Remus thought Dumbledore was just doing another one of his power trips whereas Sirius thought the old bastard wanted something more from Sirius and was using access to Harry as bait. So far he hadn't asked anything from Sirius – yet. However, Remus could sense that he was waiting for something to happen and that was the reason why Harry still remained at Privet Drive.

Only Dumbledore knew that Vernon Dursley was dead because Arabella Figg had told him. It was being said that both Vernon and his sister had heart attacks at the same time which seemed an impossible coincidence. Rumors were flying around Privet Drive that the police were just waiting for the funeral to be over before Petunia and Harry were called in for some serious questioning.

Most of the neighbors had already been questioned and the local police department had lots of dirt on the entire family. A hasty autopsy had been done on the dead Dursleys but the results would not be in for several weeks. The only preliminary findings so far had pointed to it being a heart attack, but the odds that siblings would have a heart attack at the same time in the same place were astronomical.

Therefore more investigations were going to be done and Petunia was going to be placed under observation to see if she did anything suspicious. The neighbors had already told the police a lot of interesting things and Dudley was already well known to the police.

The fact that one of Dudley's best friends had been found dead due to very unusual and suspicious circumstances similar to the Dursleys siblings' death had warranted extra attention. In fact, the police were going to give Petunia two days to recover from the funeral and then have a look around the house and grounds and do some more questioning.

Mrs. Figg had reported this to Dumbledore and that was another reason he wanted to keep Harry at Privet Drive. He was surprised the Ministry and/or Voldemort hadn't made any attempts on Harry. However, if Petunia, and therefore Harry, were under suspicion for causing Vernon and Marge's death, then Dumbledore could rush in and "rescue" Harry yet again and get him out of trouble.

She had taken Lupin back to her house and had forced a cup of tea on him. Her tears were flowing freely and all she wanted to do was talk about Harry, the many times she tried to warn Dumbledore about his treatment and now his death.

"I was always telling him this and that but he never, ever seemed to listen. I told him he should get Harry away from Privet Drive as soon as possible as who knew what Petunia would do to him out of grief for losing her husband. But he never listened to me and now, now Harry is dead."

She really started crying now and the shocked Lupin tried to comfort her as he added his tears with her own. It seemed everyone was always "warning" Dumbledore when it came to the treatment of Harry Potter. He always ignored them and just did what he wanted to do no matter how adversely it affected Harry.

But now Harry was dead. Dumbledore had placed a guard around Privet Drive but Remus didn't know who was doing guard duty tonight. Maybe the guard was dead because it had been Death Eaters who had come, saw the guard and killed him or her. If the guard wasn't dead because he or she left his post…well Remus and probably Sirius would be having a very serious discussion with that person. Whether the person would survive the discussion would be up to his reason for letting Harry die.

While this was taking place Harry was trying to calm down Winky to get more information as well as trying to calm down a hysterical Petunia. He was having little success.

Petunia started wailing about "Vernon and Marge haunting her by trying to kill her so that she could join them in Hell." That sounded feasible to Harry. However, then she started blaming him and his lot for destroying her lovely home and everything she owned. Between Petunia's screaming, Winky castigating herself for not saving her Master's home and Harry shouting to be heard over the noise the females were making, there was a loud uproar, which apparently had woken someone up.

"Expelliarmus" shouted a voice out of nowhere.

Harry had had just enough time to grab his cloak and his two wands before Winky rescued him. Both wands were sitting on the coffee table and now were flying into the hands OF A DEAD MAN!

Winky screamed and then fainted when she beheld the face of her late beloved master, Barty, Jr. Barty stood in the doorway that probably led to the bedrooms. His hair was disheveled, he was in his nightclothes (boxers and a tee shirt) and he had an angry look on his face.

"It's 3 a.m.!" he screamed, "don't you people have better things to do than barge in on private property, drink my tea and babble about your silly problems when some people are trying to sleep?"

Harry froze for a second (but at least Petunia had shut up) before saying "Uh, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Upon hearing this Petunia started screaming again until Barty stunned her and she fell heavily (and loudly) to the floor.

"Well you lot are making enough noise to _wake the dead_ , so here I am very awake."

Harry didn't have a comment for that statement and the two stood just starting at the other.

Barty broke the silence first. "You bonded with Winky I gather?"

"Yes."

Barty sighed and cast a stunning spell on the already unconscious elf just to be safe as now Harry was her master and therefore would defend Harry with her life even against her beloved former master.

"I suppose you are wondering why I am alive?"

"The thought had crossed my mind."

"The Dementor that Fudge ordered to kiss me, couldn't – and not because I'm so undesirable if that was what you were going to say. I hate Dementors, always have, even before I went to Azkaban. I did a lot of private studying and found out quite a lot. Therefore I…"

"Then how do you kill a Dementor?" asked Harry eagerly.

"You can't kill a Dementor. You just can't," was the reply.

"Well then what do you call what's in those bags in the garden shed?"

"Potter, I haven't the slightest idea what you are talking about."

"Did you hear Winky mentioning the bags being in your garden shed?"

"Yes, I've been awake and listening since your Aunt woke me up with her screaming. However, I haven't the slightest idea why Winky put the 'big bags' in the shed or why…"

"I stuffed two dead Dementors in those bags and had to get rid of them before…"

"Dementors can't be killed!"

"Well then you better look for yourself because my Aunt and I came home from shopping one night and there were two dead Dementors lying in the living room – besides one uncle and aunt by marriage, also being dead."

"Potter," sighed Barty, "I don't have time for this nonsense as we have much to discuss and from what I heard from your conversation, a lot more to do and very little time to do it in."

"So you are not going to take me to Voldie to be 'rewarded beyond your wildest dreams'?"

"Not at the moment," came the reply, "because I have need of you and your special talents. Besides, the Dark Lord believes I am dead and I want to keep it that way."

"Why? I mean I thought you are this dedicated Death Eater and all that and would fly to his side."

"Ordinarily yes, I would, but things have changed. So let me explain how I survived before you interrupted me so that we can see about saving your sorry hide."

"When Fudge told the Dementor to kiss me, the creature went over to do the deed. I will admit that I fainted," he added sheepishly, "But then who in their right mind wouldn't? However because of some precautions I had taken due to my fear of the beasts, I did a Moody and was wearing his deflector."

"His what?"

"STOP INTERRUPTING AND YOU WILL LEARN. Who do you think you are, Granger?"

"Hell no. It's just that I never get a word in – especially when Hermione is around – and no one ever answers my questions – not that I get to ask any – and..."

"SHUT UP! Now to continue, a deflector does just that, deflects a Dementor. Moody always wore one because that was one of his greatest fears, being cornered by a Dementor and not being able to summon a Patronus. The deflector makes it impossible for a Dementor to kiss anyone and, since they can't talk, it couldn't tell Fudge that it was unable to complete the mission. Knowing Fudge he just gave the order, turned and walked away."

"When I woke up, I was still in the Infirmary no doubt waiting to have my body disposed of and had just been left alone seemingly soulless. I took the opportunity to make my escape and apparently no one noticed."

"I then came here as this was my 'bolt hole.' All Death Eaters had their own private bolt hole for safety reasons if we had to make a quick escape. Then our Lord would summon us when things were safe."

"But why didn't you go back to Voldie?"

"Because I had to recover and, if the truth be told, I was afraid that I would be severely punished for the plan going wrong. At first I thought I would just lay low to recover and then reveal myself to my Lord after enough time had passed for it to be known that it wasn't my fault."

"I then came here to brew some special potions. Constant use of Polyjuice takes a toll on a body. Plus I was suffering from the stress of impersonating Moody and I was trying to recover from the ten years I spent being Imperiused by my Father."

"Then there was Hogwarts and Dumbledore. I didn't know why but Hogwarts felt… strange. You don't notice it while you are a student, but coming back as an adult and having practiced magic under a different environment…well something was just off. Besides I knew Dumbledore knew I wasn't Moody. He had to as I later found out that the wards automatically warn him when a person wearing the Dark Mark enters the school. How I found out is a long story which I'll save for later."

"So here I was alone and not under a spell for the first time in thirteen years. I brewed my potions and took them. I rested and read a lot and I had time to think. I did sneak out to buy the _Prophet_ or rather I went to a wizard's home and rummaged through his trash can to get his discarded copy, so I could see what was going on. After reading about what Fudge was doing and how my Lord had not revealed himself, I made a decision."

"It also helped that you were being made into an even bigger pariah by Fudge and the media than you were during fourth year. Most importantly, Dumbledore was allowing it. Oh I know that it seems like he is letting Fudge get away with slandering him, but he is not. That is also another story."

"Now the reason I am sitting here having a pleasant chat with you is I have a proposition for you. _You help me escape and I will help you escape_. Don't play stupid and try to tell me you don't know what I am talking about because you do. I was ordered to watch you not only by my Lord but by Dumbledore, but in different ways according to different agendas. _I know you are not what you seem and that you show a different face to different persons_."

Barty noticed Harry cringing so he went in for the kill. "I believe you know that your life has been controlled since probably before your birth – another long story. Your 'friends' are not really your friends and are Dumbledore's lackeys. You are not allowed to have any non-Dumbledore approved friends, are kept in the dark about the most important things you need to know about…"

"Okay," snapped Harry, "I get your point and unfortunately I agree. Yes, I want to escape but haven't been able to as Dumbledore has things so arranged that it would be impossible for me to do so without help and money, both of which he keeps away from me. So how are you going to help me and what do you want in return?"

"You speak parsel. If I find the correct spell you can remove the Dark Mark from my arm as it was cast in parsel and can only be undone in parsel. Then I can truly be free, leave the country and start a new life. If you want I will even swear an oath on my life and magic if you don't trust me. I know I wouldn't trust me in a similar situation."

"That sounds agreeable but how do I escape. I don't have any money except what is at Gringotts. They sold me a bottomless bag the other day but I didn't have time to grab it before Winky rescued me."

"That is easily corrected for a 'reasonable fee' as the Goblins will tell you."

"But I'll still have to go to Gringotts and won't Dumbles zoom in and try to collect my trust vault once I am declared dead?"

"You can send Winky. The Goblins will know you are not dead and for that 'small fee' or rather a larger one, they will just tell him your trust vault has been absorbed into the main Potter vaults which he can't access – which is another long story."

"Now the first thing we have to do is send Winky to Hogwarts. I spent a lot of time in Dumbledore's office and noticed that he has all sorts of monitors on you as well as trackers. He can find you using those. However, if they are destroyed, like they would be if you really were dead, he just might buy it."

"Then you and…your Aunt can stay here, we'll all get well, study and look for the reversal spell."

"I don't think Petunia will want…"

"If she is found so will you be. Besides, considering that both your Uncle and his sister died at the same time under very mysterious circumstances, I wouldn't be surprised if she, and probably you, is going to be brought in for questioning. The house burning down was lucky as it will keep you both here and safe. She won't like it but she'd like jail even less."

"So are we agreed?"

"If I get that oath."

So Winky was revived and given her orders. She disillusioned herself and snuck into the Headmaster's office and made sure the sleeping portraits stayed that way. She then stunned Fawkes and made sure he didn't fall off his perch. Then she melted all of the monitors and trackers and was about to removes the spells when a voice came out of nowhere.

"If you are here to save Harry Potter," said the Sorting Hat, "may I make a few suggestions?"

Not waiting for an answer he continued. "Take Fawkes with you. Dumbledore will think he is out for a fly. When he calls for him and he doesn't return he will think it strange but will have other things to worry about once he sees the trinkets destroyed. What you need to do is take Fawkes to Harry Potter. Remove the stun while Harry shouts out, 'it's to free you Fawkes' and then Harry or whoever rescued him will injure him enough that he will be forced into a burning day."

"Fawkes is not Dumbledore's true familiar. Fawkes is the school phoenix and over the centuries has bonded with a Headmaster or mistress if they were worthy of bonding with a phoenix. The three Headmasters who came before Dumbledore were not and neither was he but he did some research and managed to catch Fawkes off guard and forced the bonding."

"He uses his bonding with a phoenix to reinforce his position as the Leader of the Light and no one knows differently as he has personally seen to the rewriting of _Hogwarts, A History_ three times since he became Headmaster."

"However, every time Fawkes has a burning day, Dumbledore has 24 hours to reinforce the bonding. While Fawkes is recovering in his chick form and isn't near Dumbledore, he will be able to break free. Otherwise Dumbledore can use Fawkes to find Harry Potter no matter where he is and return him to Dumbledore's "tender mercies" because Fawkes gave the feather which is the core in Harry's wand. It's the same thing with Voldemort."

"Therefore, I suggest for further safety, Harry either destroys his wand or places it in an undetectable charmed box so that it cannot be tracked and spelled. In any event, _Harry must not use his wand._ Suggest to Harry that he consider sending a note to Voldemort advising the same as Dumbledore can control both wands."

"Now off you go whoever you are and you better go quickly and don't forget to lift the spell on the portraits."

Winky grabbed Fawkes and went back to her masters. Although Harry now had preference as a master Winky would always consider Master Junior as a master.

She told them what the Hat had said and that was how that Fawkes was freed. Petunia had revived shortly after Winky had left and she was in a really foul mood so Barty was obliged to knock her out and have Winky put her to bed. Since there were only two bedrooms in the cottage, Harry went to sleep on the couch. Tomorrow Barty would fix up the small attic but at the moment everyone, including Winky were exhausted.

Unfortunately for Winky Barty suggested she be sent to Gringotts immediately to make the necessary arrangements. Luckily Gringotts was opened 24 hours a day so the arrangements were made, the fees removed from the vault and Harry got a new bottomless bag. Then poor Winky got to go to sleep just as the sun was coming up.

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 8 – Ding Dong the Wizard Is Dead

The headlines on the _Daily Prophet_ blared out the news that Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-But-Now-Lied was dead. The _Prophet_ had been tipped off by a source and broke the story before the Ministry could do damage control. Therefore, the next day's edition told the official Ministry version of the death.

According to the Ministry, Harry Potter had set the fire himself because he realized that he was about to be exposed for committing the murder of Cedric Diggory. According to Ministry sources, he had made up the outrageous lie of the very dead You-Know-Who being resurrected because he had killed Diggory – whether by accident or on purpose it was not known – because he was about the grab the Cup and win the Tournament.

"Potter brought back the body of the "real Hogwarts champion" and told his ridiculous story," a Ministry source quoted. "He thought he would get away with it but the Ministry didn't believe it for a moment and after careful and thorough investigation were about to arrest Potter. However he had been tipped off and in a fit of despair, cast the fiendfyre spell killing not only himself and his entire family but several of his Muggle neighbors."

Of course it was a monumental lie, but since the _Prophet_ was in the Ministry's pocket, there was no one to defend Harry and it looked like he would go down in history of committing the terrible crimes of which he was accused.

Dumbledore thought it just had to be the work of the Death Eaters but according to Snape, it was not. "The Dark Lord is furious as he wanted Potter alive" Snape told the assembled Order.

Naturally Sirius didn't believe anything Snape said and cast a few very nasty curses at his hated rival. It was only Snape's quick reflexes that had saved him otherwise he definitely would have been killed by a deranged Sirius Black. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin had barely managed to restrain the two wizards.

As usual, Sirius was not punished and Snape was yelled at for dueling (by Dumbledore) when there was so much to do. It took all of his self-control not to throw a curse at Dumbledore, but Snape was not yet ready to die. Snape had to stay until the useless meeting ended and then make a run for it because Sirius was trying to kill him again.

Sirius was hurting because Harry was dead so someone must suffer. He decided that by killing Snape he would be doing something or getting some type of justice for James. Oh and for Harry. Snape barely escaped with his life and knew without a doubt that Sirius would keep trying and no one, not even Dumbledore who needed his services as a spy, would come to his aid.

Dumbledore found great amusement by the fights between the Marauders and Snape and even now in the dire circumstances he would enjoy watching Snape fight for his life while doing his duty. Snape had always known that deep inside the self-proclaimed Leader of the Light was a closet sadist.

But it was over now as far as Snape was concerned. He had been forced to take an oath to protect Lily's son and thanks to Dumbledore, the brat was now dead and Snape was free from his oath and obligations. He was not going to put up with Black's juvenile antics especially when he had just vowed in front of the Order that he would be killing Snape since he was a Death Eater and Death Eaters had killed Harry.

So Snape went back to Hogwarts, packed all of his personal possessions, raided the potion stores and left. Even if Voldemort ordered him to go back he would not. He then went to his home in Spinner's End and packed the rest of his things and went to his bolt hole.

He owned a cottage that neither the Dark Lord nor Dumbledore knew about. Magical Britain was full of maiden aunts and great aunts due to the various wars both Muggle and Magical, which had devastated a few generations. Like Barty's bolt hole, Snape had also inherited the home of his mother's maiden aunt. His mother had been too sick to take advantage of fleeing from her abusive husband but had told her son about the home. Thus he was able to claim it during the Christmas break during his seventh year.

He wisely kept it a secret from everyone and after his father died he still stayed at Spinner's End for appearances sake. He kept most of his more important books and potion ingredients at the bolt hole and kept the place well-stocked with food and beverages.

He had patented another potion the year before Potter started school. He had made a nice bit of money and calling in a few favors, he had made sure that his name wasn't linked with the potion. Therefore Dumbledore shouldn't have been able to find out about the money.

The old bastard interfered with every aspect of all of his minions' and followers' lives, especially when it came to money. He asked for "donations" to this and that various fund and had once robbed Snape of much of the proceeds from another patent about two years after he was forced to work at Hogwarts.

Snape treated himself to a present. His mother had missed the Prince Family house elves and told her son that when _**(not if because she believed in him)**_ he made a bit of money he should buy an elf. She had given him several good reasons and made him swear.

So he had purchased Wispy, a middle-aged elf from Belgium. Her wizard had died without heirs and the elves were sold because the wizard had left everything he owned to a charity so his entire estate had to be liquidated. She had been very upset because her two children had been sold and their new owners forbade them to keep in touch with their mother and other relatives. Therefore, although an excellent elf, she had a need to mother Snape. Since he didn't see her often he allowed it as someone caring for him and looking after him for once in his life was a pleasant thought.

Leaving her in charge of unpacking all of his possessions, he had just enough time to visit Gringotts to do some important banking before leaving to report to the Dark Lord.

Snape was quite surprised that Voldemort didn't force him to return to Hogwarts and Dumbledore. With Potter dead, there was no need to keep watch. Besides if Sirius Black had sworn to kill Snape "just because he could" Voldemort had no doubt that Black would be crazy enough to do so. Bellatrix Black Lestrange was not the only insane member of that once noble family and while Dumbledore didn't appreciate Snape's worth, Voldemort was intelligent enough to want to keep Snape alive and in his service.

However, for some reason Voldemort made Snape swear an oath that he would only serve him and never Dumbledore ever again. Had Voldemort really known about Snape's oath to protect Harry Potter? No matter, if it kept Snape safe and out of Dumbledore's clutches, he gladly swore the oath.

So that was how Severus Snape gained his freedom from Albus Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix. He was immediately put to work brewing some difficult potions until such time as the Dark Lord had other work for him to do.

Dumbledore had been busy re-establishing his power and trying to gain access to Harry's trust vault. The Goblins informed him that the trust vault had reverted back to the main Potter vaults and that was the end of that lucrative revenue source.

Dumbledore actually believed that Harry Potter was well and truly dead. He just didn't know who had cast the fiendfyre. He believed Snape as did the other "sane" Order members. Most, but not all, of his plans were in ruins with the death of that odious brat. He would just have to make new ones, starting with bringing Voldemort out into the open one way or another.

But Voldemort refused to cooperate. He had his own plans to change now that Harry Potter was dead. Therefore he concentrated on recruitment and building up his treasury. He was living at Malfoy Manor but only until such time as his private lair could be renovated. There had been too many raids on the Manor and Lucius was busy using his influence to prevent Fudge from believing that he was back.

Lucius was also on dangerous ground as Voldemort had found out about the "diary" and Lucius' part in its destruction. The man was now a liability. He still had his uses, one of them being providing large amounts of cash. Voldemort had "fined" Lucius for the destruction of the Slytherin Family Grimoire which was what he told everybody the diary really was.

Voldemort would squeeze as much money out of Lucius until such time as the man failed at something important. Then Lucius' torture and death would serve as a lesson to other Death Eaters of what happened to those who failed him, even someone as powerful as Lucius Malfoy.

Dumbledore would be trying to lure him out but he would not cooperate. He would not reveal his presence until absolutely necessary no matter what Dumbledore did, even if he had to leave the country for a year or two. Besides he had a lot of research to do especially regarding wands.

Several Order members were in deep mourning for Harry. Remus was trying to console Sirius and keep him from doing something stupid – like killing Snape. Tonks was spending time with Hermione Granger because the girl couldn't stop crying. She was feeling guilty because she had not written to Harry on orders of Dumbledore even though she knew all of the grief, guilt and stress he was under.

She had been forced to keep Hedwig imprisoned so that Harry couldn't write anyone anymore and the poor bird had shown her displeasure. Both Hermione and Tonks broke the sad news to the bird who just glared at them and then started banging against her cage. Tonks released her so that she wouldn't injure herself and once loose the owl took the opportunity to fly away. She made it out of the room because the door was opened and flew in search of an open window.

The Weasleys were mixed in their reactions. The Twins were very sad, Ginny was moaning about losing her fiancée, Molly was blaming everybody but Dumbledore and Ron…well Ron just stayed in his room coming out only to eat, inhaling as much as he could and then going back to his room. It could have been grief but for some reason Tonks doubted it.

McGonagall and Hagrid were both inconsolable, Moody was determined to find out who was responsible and the rest of the Order hadn't met Harry yet and were only sad because the Boy-Who-Lived had died. Dumbledore wasn't around since the first meeting after the official announcement as he had many things to do.

Hermione felt so guilty and even making Prefect did not cheer her up. Then she accidentally heard Ginny and Ron talking. Ron had been made Prefect and from the sound of it, he had known beforehand. He made a comment to Ginny, "and the damn bastard isn't alive to see me be Prefect and not him. He just had to ruin my glory by hogging all of the attention by dying. Damn worthless Half-blood bastard of a Mudblood whore."

Hermione and been shocked and hurt to hear Ron's rant, but after four years she was not surprised. Ron was the very last fifth year Gryffindor boy who should be made a Prefect, but it was not surprising as Ron probably got it for "services rendered" and because the Weasleys were some of Dumbledore's strongest supporters.

Hermione so wanted to be back home with her parents especially now, but that was not allowed. Without warning she had been picked up by Remus Lupin and Tonks and a note was left for her parents saying that Dumbledore had need of her and that was that.

She was now fearful as Harry was gone and Voldemort was back and she selfishly feared for her future.

The boy in question was busy settling into life at the cottage. Winky had brought copies of the _Prophet_ and a few other weeklies and magazines. Harry was not surprised that he was being slandered and accused of murder. Barty told him he was lucky not to have been accused and brought to trial before he came home from school.

Petunia was miserable. She had gotten rid of Vernon and as a bonus Marge, but she had lost everything. Even if she had "managed to survive" there was a good chance she would be under arrest according to the Muggle papers Winky had acquired. Winky had gotten Petunia some clothes and "the basics" and some Muggle magazines and used paperbacks books, but there was no television, only a Freak radio station and not much to do except read. She didn't want to think what poor Dudders must be going through.

The attic was fixed up as a bedroom for Harry and Winky got Harry copies of all seven years' worth of textbooks from an odd and ends room at Hogwarts. She found a trunk and some suitable Wizarding robes for both him and Master Barty but still had to go out and get them underwear, footwear, Muggle clothing and a few other things.

Thanks to acquiring a new bottomless money bag for Harry, she was able to do all of her shopping and stock up the pantry with food, drink and more potion ingredients as well as potions. While they researched removing the dark mark, Barty was going to tutor Harry especially in potions.

Harry would have thought it impossible but he was really starting to like Barty – despite him being a Death Eater, putting his name in the Goblet of Fire and trying to kill him. Besides next to Remus Lupin he was the best teacher of Defense he had had and, had he gone back to Hogwarts to finish his education he would probably be the last one also.

It took about two weeks for them to get settled in and establish a routine. Winky was still at Hogwarts to spy on everyone and she reported back every night at 10:00 p.m. when the elves had a bit of a break before they snuck into the Houses to do the cleaning and gather the dirty laundry.

Naturally most people believed the _Prophet's_ lies and Dumbledore did nothing to defend Harry as the kid was dead and of no further use to him or his plans and neither was his precious money. When the students returned the Slytherins, led by Draco Malfoy (no surprise there) had a wonderful time harassing all Gryffindors and Muggleborns of any House, especially Hermione Granger.

Poor Hermione! Although she was the new Gryffindor fifth year female Prefect, Ron as the new male Prefect, totally ignored her. He abused his position and made her do most of the work and patrols but did demand that she copy her notes in a "form understandable for a normal person to understand" as well as still helping him with his homework as "That's all a filthy, ugly Mudblood like you is good for."

"Without Harry Potter" Winky carefully told them "Ron Weasel is not the 'big, important wizard he thought he was' and doesn't have to associate with Grangery. He is being mean to her and others like good Neville Longbottom and younger Gryffindors like the Creevey Brothers. Headmaster does nothing to defend Harry Potter or Grangery and the girl has no friends except for Neville and Creeveys, who she helps with homework."

Speaking about Neville, Harry asked Barty why he and the Lestranges had gone after the Longbottoms and killed Neville's parents.

"Oh we didn't kill them, Bellatrix just Cruciated them into insanity and they have been at St. Mungo's ever since."

"But why go after them and Voldie go after my parents and me?"

"Because of the prophecy?"

"The what?"

This was the first time Harry heard about the prophecy that had ruined his life, and apparently Neville's, as well as causing the Potters' deaths and the Longbottoms' living deaths.

"At first the Dark Lord didn't believe the prophecy but then whispers were heard and discontent spread among the Death Eaters. He didn't know the entire prophecy but what he had heard was that a child would be born at the end of July and could defeat him. Things got so bad that eventually he was forced to prove the rumor false and went after the only two children born at the end of July – you and Neville.

In the roughly six weeks he had been under Barty's tutelage, Harry learned more about not only Magical Britain but his own life. It was an enlightening experience which made him very, very sad – and angry.

It had taken four weeks before they inspected the shed and its contents. Sure enough there were two dead Dementors in pieces and Barty didn't know whether to be impressed or depressed but he swore that he and Harry would research the matter.

"If we find out how it happened, we could write a paper on it and I wouldn't be surprised if it was worthy of a Mastery."

"How could two dead people write a paper let alone get a Mastery?"

"Magic!" Barty had replied which caused Harry to smack his shoulder.

Harry was pleasantly surprised to find out Barty had a wicked sense of humor and for the first time in his sad life, Harry "let go" and could finally act "himself." He hadn't been able to be himself even with Ron and Hermione as he had been still walking a fine line and, quite frankly, didn't know who the real Harry was because he had always been downtrodden and once at Hogwarts, Dumbledore's manipulations had escalated and the intelligent boy had to "play along" and act the perfect Gryffindor.

Other interesting information was found out concerning Harry AND Petunia. Barty had given Harry an examination and it printed out on a piece of parchment. He had done the same while he had Harry in his clutches at Hogwarts because so many things didn't make sense concerning the boy. When Harry saw the list of injuries he had suffered he was upset but not surprised. However, when he saw the charms, spells, potions and hexes on his person, he basically exploded.

"I thought you said that by destroying the trackers and other objects in Dumbles' office, I was free?" he asked Barty.

"No, he just couldn't track you anymore and since the Goblins told him you were dead you WILL BE FREE once I remove them. If anybody tried to remove them before, he would have been notified and re-cast them."

"Barty's right" Petunia added. "Sometimes when Vernon…went too far…your magic lashed out and protected you. You nearly killed Vernon once in self-defense but the Old Freak showed up with that bird of his and cured Vernon, gave him and me a strong warning and then made you forget."

"You will note that there are several obliviations done on you starting when you were about five and the latest once was done during your fourth year" Barty told him.

Barty checked Petunia and her list showed that not only had she been spelled with various things but also her wedding ring was charmed for her to get angry whenever she looked into Harry's eyes – the eyes of her sister. She had Barty destroy the ring.

"Your house probably had charms and curses all over it and your son and husband were probably spelled to hate Harry."

"Yes Aunt Petunia, if you've noticed you have been much nicer to me since we've been here" Harry stated.

The one bad thing was that Barty could not remove some of the stronger ones due to Dumbledore's powerful magic. The illegal potions had finally been flushed out of Harry's system and then he was administered some potions to cure some of his ills but it wasn't enough.

"I'm not a healer" Barty stated. "I've done all I could but to fully heal you we might have to risk going to a specialist I know of to give you a thorough checkup and completely remove the things I can't."

"Can we really risk it?" Harry asked.

"If you want to be completely free from the old $*#$*#&&&, then yes" was the reply. The witch I know is very old but still very, very powerful AND she loathes Dumbledamnit. Rumor has it that she and Dumbledoodoo were once rivals and his greatest fear was that she would finally accept a job at Hogwarts and bump him off the fast track to succeed Dippet when he retired or died. She always refused because she was content doing research."

"However, after he defeated Grindelwald, the world became his oyster and within a few years, he used his influence to get her in trouble. Told everyone that not only was she DARK and had been a follower of Grindelwald but had used all of her research to enable Grindelwald to gain his power. It couldn't be proven but it ruined her reputation, she lost her job and no one would publish any of her work."

"When the Dark Lord began his crusade (Barty always called it that) Dumbles tried to have her arrested because he was afraid she would join the Dark Lord. However, she wasn't going to join our Lord…"

"Just call him Voldie or Volds" Harry told him for the umpteenth time.

Barty still couldn't bring himself to do so and continued his story.

"Rumor had it that she didn't want to join either side, was fed up with politics – especially British politics with Dumbles at the helm – and knew if she joined You-Know-Who she would get into further trouble. She was approached by one of the Death Eaters but told him she thought it was a trap of Dumbledore's to finally get her sent to Azkaban, stunned the Dee (which was what Harry called a Death Eater to save time and Barty had picked it up) and immediately fled for parts unknown."

"She probably didn't like Voldie any more than Dumbles" Harry opined.

"Probably but her way saved her lots of trouble and no doubt she had been planning to do so for a long time as the Dee saw luggage, trunks and empty shelves."

"Well then how do you know where she is since she presumably escaped Dumbles and Voldie?

"Because 'V' (apparently that was as far as Barty was willing to go) sent me out looking for her. I did find her, but didn't approach her as 'V' wanted to personally talk with her and convince her to join. Since it was estimated that 'V' and the Dees would be winning by early 1982 at the latest, he wanted to lure her back to Britain and help him rebuild Magic and the Ministry. He was going to offer her the Headmistress position at Hogwarts."

"Early 1982 you say?" Harry asked with a smile on his face. "When did you find her exactly?"

Barty sighed heavily and replied, "October 31, 1981, to be exact. In fact, as I reported in on November 1st to tell of my success I was met with a hysterical and an even more maniacal than usual Bellatrix. I hadn't heard about the 'incident' of that night as it would be referred to by the faithful and was simply ordered to come along with the Lestranges."

"Rabastan informed me on the way what had happened and even though 'V' had specifically ordered that no one was to come with him to the Potters' and definitely no one was to go after the Longbottoms. Rab hinted that Lucius had inflamed Bellatrix and wouldn't be surprised if he had even compelled her to disobey and get them all killed so that Draco could inherit the Lestrange Lordship and wealth. But NOBODY disobeyed Bellatrix, especially not her husband and poor Rab, and now I, were simply dragged into going."

"Well if the witch – what's her name by the way?" Harry asked since Barty had forgotten that little detail.

"Rubeanna" was the reply. "And just so you know, her last name is Hagrid."

"WHAT!"

Barty smiled and replied "She's your Hagrid's great auntie. That was another thing that Dumbles has on Hagrid, as rumor also has it that Dumbledore told him the real reason he was expelled was because Rubeanna was under suspicion of being a follower of Grindelwald and since her great nephew had an Acromantula at Hogwarts, it had to be a plot of Grindelwald's to harm and demoralize the "Greatest School of Magic in the World." Apparently Dumbles told Hagrid that he personally had saved him from Azkaban convincing Dippet and the Ministry that due to his age and naivety he was used by others and thus he was merely expelled. Dumbles then apprenticed Hagrid to the Groundskeeper and made him into a devoted follower."

Harry sighed and said "That sounds like something Dumbles would do. I'm surprised he didn't use Hagrid to find her."

"Well from what I heard the Hagrid Family were not too happy when Hagrid's dad ran off with a Giantess. You must admit that is even worse than marrying a Muggle!" Barty told him. "In fact, another little known fact was that Hagrid's family was from Bavaria and they fled there shortly after 'Kaiser Bill' took over as they could read the writing on the wall."

Barty continued "After the Muggle World War I, Hagrid's dad went back to look for any surviving Hagrids and see if he could retrieve some of the wealth they had abandoned when the family fled. Apparently he didn't find any family or wealth but he found his Giantess and married her. He brought her back and not only did the family not accept her but they disowned him. Somehow he managed to father Hagrid and after the kid wasn't 'acceptable' to the Giantess, she up and left them. From what I heard, no one from the family ever met Hagrid, especially his Aunt Rubeanna but Dumbledore not only 'allowed' him to attend Hogwarts, he arranged to become his hero and Hagrid is the absolute, fanatical follower that we all know."

"That's so sad" Harry said and Petunia, who had been listening in because - well that was still one of Petunia's favorite things to do – she actually agreed with him. She had been doing that a lot ever since her wedding ring was destroyed and Barty removed what curses he could.

"So when do we leave to find this nice lady?" Petunia asked.

There was silence in the room with Barty looking at Harry and vice versa. How – and who – was going to tell her that she couldn't come?

J K Rowling owns all the rights to the books and the amazing characters she created. I write only to satisfy my imagination and use my creativity and make no money from my writings.

Chapter 9 – Meetings

Petunia had been furious to learn that she wasn't going anywhere as it was too dangerous for any of them to leave the safety of the cottage. The only reason Barty and Harry were attempting it was so that Harry could be finally free of all Dumbledore-related manipulations and because Harry desperately needed an eye exam.

To pacify Petunia, Barty promised to look into acquiring some special German charmed Muggle things such as a TV set and perhaps a computer – for educational purposes only of course.

"But Muggle things don't work in a magical environment – even if they only use batteries" Harry stated.

"They only don't 'work' in Magical Britain because they are banned. However, American wizards invented specialized runes to use electricity in a magical home and it also depends on how much magic one uses in that home" Barty informed them.

"For instance, you did lots of 'accidental magic' growing up in a Muggle household and it never affected any of the electricity did it?"

Petunia interrupted by saying "Once when he was about eight, Dudley had been exceptionally mean to him and Dudder's TV blew up."

"That's because I 'wished it to happen'" Harry added.

"Of course the more magic that is used in a home the more 'static' it causes. That is why the electrical things are usually kept in just one room. Getting a specialized rune installed on each object allows you to use a TV or a radio and probably a computer – which were before my time."

Smiling wickedly Barty announced that "Rabastan Lestrange was a very good friend of mine and he had some 'contraband' in his private rooms at Lestrange Manor. He actually had a television set he purchased in Germany, had it runed and snuck it into his bedroom. He liked Muggle entertainment besides torturing Muggles of course, which was more Bellatrix's and Rudolphus' 'hobbies' as Rabastan was just the younger brother who was duty bound to obey and follow Rudolphus' lead in ALL things whether he wanted to or not."

"And Bellatrix never found out?"

"Nope, because she and even Rudolphus never went into Rab's private rooms. He had his own house elf, sworn only to him who kept the secret probably because the elf liked watching the telly."

Harry had to laugh at that because he could just picture an elf like Dobby watching the telly and munching a snack with a kind master. He was very surprised when Barty added "Good old Dobby the house elf actually found out about something called a VCR and…."

"Dobby? Did you say Dobby?" Harry asked. "The only Dobby I know is the elf I set free from the Malfoys. It couldn't be the same one."

"Ah yes it could and was as once the Lestranges were sent to Azkaban Lucius, on behalf of his son Draco, claimed the Lestrange estate because Draco was the only possible heir. He couldn't get it in its entirety until all the Lestranges died, but he used his 'influence' with the Ministry to take control and 'manage' all property and vaults they possessed and that included house elves. All Lestrange elves were 'double bonded' with the Malfoys as their secondary masters, but Dobby and the other elves' first and truest allegiance was to the House of Lestrange, with Dobby being extra bound as Rab's personal elf."

"That was probably the real reason Dobby was able to disobey the Malfoys and contact you on a limited basis to warn you about the 'evil' which could hurt you if you went back to Hogwarts for your second year." Barty had to smile at the look of shock on Harry's face when he heard about Dobby's true origins.

"To continue, Dobby found out about a VCR and Rab snuck out and bought one so that he could record his favorite shows or films if he had to miss them to attend a meeting or go on a raid. They had a wonderful time watching TV and renting videos – at least they did until October 31, 1981."

"WELL I WANT BOTH!" Petunia demanded.

"Just as soon as we get Harry 'safer' we'll go out and get a TV, VCR and a computer as Rubeanna relocated back to Germany and is near the company that provides Muggle electrical items" Barty informed her.

Barty was just full of surprises. His father had sent him to a Muggle university to learn accounting as he was planning on using his son as a financial adviser when Barty, Sr. finally became Minister of Magic. He didn't trust the Goblins (and rightly so) and he definitely didn't trust the wizards in charge of financial matters at the Ministry as there was so much corruption in that government with the Finance Department being the worst of all. Money had a habit of "disappearing" and never found and Bartemius Crouch, Sr. was going to put a stop to that during his administration. The fact that his son didn't want to be an accountant mattered not to the man as Barty, Jr. was his son and therefore he owned him.

Therefore, Barty knew a lot about the Muggle World and had a driver's license, a passport and a few other necessary documents so that he could pass as a Muggle. It had been very useful to his Dark Lord and Barty was usually sent on special errands for Voldemort. Naturally once he got the legal documents, Barty was able to duplicate them all with a false name and even photographs as that was also a useful thing to have.

Barty even had the knowledge of forging credit cards and did so as he and Harry were going to drive to Germany as a further safety precaution. He glamoured them both, made a passport for Harry and then after a tearful goodbye from Petunia (who was afraid they would be caught, abandon her and/or not get the TV), they left her in the hands of Winky after spelling the grounds to keep Petunia a prisoner just in case she became foolish and tried to make a break for it or contact Dudley to let him know she was still alive.

They then rented a car and off they went on their "adventure" and shopping expedition. They took the ferry over to the Continent and leisurely drove to the place where Barty had originally found Rubeanna, stopping for meals and a bit of site seeing on the way. They both had a bad case of cabin fever and took the opportunity to enjoy this bit of freedom while they could.

What Barty hadn't mentioned to Petunia or Harry was the fact that the old witch might not be at the same residence or she could have died as she was probably nearing 100 years of age or older. In any event, Barty would take Harry to another person he knew who, for a price, could probably be able to rid the boy of Dumbledore's magic. Then a quick obliviation later (as Barty trusted no one) and they could get the shopping done as well as a new wand or two as Harry's magic would definitely change once the illegals spells were taken off.

Meanwhile Petunia was getting even more antsy since she was alone for the first time in weeks. Winky had to go back to Hogwarts to keep up appearances and to spy. Harry had given her permission to tell Dobby and Luna that he wasn't dead but they couldn't tell ANYBODY, not even Luna's father or Neville.

Dobby was also doing some spying here and there such as sneaking back to Malfoy Manor to contact some of his relatives who gave him the "dirt" on what was happening at the Manor. Dumbledore would have literally killed for such inside information but Dobby was not his elf and the "great wizard" had betrayed and endangered Harry Potter and Dobby considered Dumbledore lower than a snake, stuck in a wagon rut, in the area in Gringotts where the oldest and/or most valuable vaults and dragon guard were kept, the deepest depths of the Marianas Trench, the last circle of Hell and – well the lowest of the low.

Dobby had heard some very interesting information and he ached to tell Winky. Unfortunately, he couldn't go near Hogwarts and didn't know where Harry was staying for safety sake, so the only time he could contact her was when she was officially "off duty" at Hogwarts – or sleeping it off as all still thought she was doing.

For once luck was with Harry and Barty as they found the old witch, managed not to get hexed too much and got to tell the reason they were there. Rubeanna knew everything that was going on in Britain as she still had her sources. She had heard all about Harry Potter and all that he had been through, but with Dumbledore in charge one couldn't expect anything he did to be good.

Barty had to admit how he had found her and Harry quickly added that Barty never got to tell Voldie about her location. They both played on the old witch's sympathy and both Barty and Harry were very good at making helpless puppy eyes. However, that wasn't going to work on the witch as she hadn't lived as long as she had by trusting anybody. Therefore she made Barty swear on his life and magic as well as Harry.

Finally she was convinced of their innocence and need and since it would defy Dumbledore, an agreement – and price – was negotiated. It took three days for Harry to be freed and a lot of galleons out of his bottomless money bag, but it was soooo, verrry worth it. For an extra fee she "freed" Barty from a few things – except for the Dark Mark. She did give them the names of a few books which might help remove the mark using parsel but as she said crackling like the proverbial fairy tale witch "Good luck finding any of them."

After they left Rubeanna, they checked into a small, quaint hotel to rest and recuperate. They ate well and did some more site seeing before they went to purchase the next thing on their list – new wands. Rubeanna knew where to find the mostly retired but still famous Mykew Gregorovitch, the acknowledged best wand maker in Europe.

Unlike Ollivander, Gregorovitch used all types of materials and cores for his wands. Each was custom made and well worth the price. Since Rubeanna had recommended them, Gregorovitch consented to make them each two wands – a main one and a spare. The wands would be charmed to be used only by each of them, couldn't be summoned from the wand holster (which Gregorovitch threw in for free) and for a bit extra money, the wand would be charmed to look like their old wands to throw people off the scent that they had a new wand.

Harry had brought both his wands for Gregorovitch to study. The old wizard looked at it, ran a few tests and when finished he was very angry. He had found "things" on the wand besides the Ministry trace and when he told the two wizards what he had found they were both shocked. At least it explained many things which had puzzled both of them, but it was terrifying news especially when Harry recounted what had happened at the cemetery when he and Voldie had dueled.

Since the wands were custom made and Gregorovitch was a true master at his craft, it would take a week for the four wands to be ready. Also they had to pay in advance and Harry had to leave both his wands for Gregorovitch to do further research. He was given a "temporary loaner wand" which was compatible which he could use in an emergency. It was the same for Barty's wands as Gregorovitch also wanted to study them. Fortunately, Gregorovitch had one of the few ready-made wands that was an exact copy of Barty's main wand except for the length so his temp worked much better than Harry's.

The cost of the wands made another big dent in Harry's money bag but again was worth it. They left the wand maker's shop, found another inn, rested up and then went shopping for the electronics. Talk about expensive! But it would be worth it if only to keep Petunia happy and since they were getting the latest computer for "research" it was money well spent. They then paid for a two-day course on how to use the computer both magically and the Muggle way, did some more site seeing and shopping for the books Rubeanna suggested but without success. Before they knew it, it was time to pick up their new wands.

They arrived at the wand shop and tried out their new wands. They were excellent and both were very pleased. However, this is Harry Potter we are talking about and he is a slave to Murphy's Law. If they hadn't stayed to listen to what Gregorovitch had found out about their wands, they might have been able to escape. But they did and thus they couldn't.

If only Dobby's news had come before the two wizards left. Winky knew about the magic being removed and the electronics being bought but not that her wizards were going wand shopping. If she had she could have found them and warned them. But she hadn't heard about the wand shopping so she and Dobby didn't know about what they could possibly be walking into.

As Gregorovitch talked with Harry and Barty, another "customer" entered the shop. One guess who that was?

No. It wasn't Dumbledore as Gregorovitch had long ago spelled his shop from Dumbledore being able to find it or enter it. Like many other non-British wizards Gregorovitch had his reasons to ban Dumbledore – very good reasons indeed.

However, he had never had cause to ban Voldemort and that formidable wizard had entered the shop and wasn't seen by anyone other than Gregorovitch. The wand maker's face showed his shock and he stopped his narration in mid-sentence as if frozen. Seeing the look on his face Harry and Barty didn't want to turn around and look and as Barty reached for his wand which was currently resting on the counter, he heard "Expelliarmus" being said by a voice he recognized. Since all four wands were not in the holsters yet, they were quickly summoned and in the hand of the Dark Lord himself.

"Well, well – look who we have here" was all Voldemort said to freeze the blood in the veins of the three other wizards. Of course he also had cast a freeze charm on them so that helped also.

In any event Harry and Barty were caught and who knew what would happen next.

FINIS

The first chapter of the sequel Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't will be posted soon.


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